Monday, February 11, 2013

There are no words.

You read the title and then I type lots of words to describe "no words". There just aren't any words deep enough to describe this week. I haven't cried in a while, but I knew it would soon come. I've started to cry, pregnancy hormones probably, more than grief (juggling act), but I've stopped myself b/c I like to know what I'm crying about. But everything can't be summed up in a word or even a sentence or thought.

I made Kirk's Valentine card today. (Sorry babe, you have a few more days to read it.) Valentine's was nothing more than a Hallmark holiday to us really. Kirk and I have birthdays a week apart and for both of these events we've been know to go to the store together, pick out a card for each other, let the other read it, and put it back on the shelf.

February 15, 2003- Ten years ago from Friday, Kirk proposed.

February 15, 2012- The first time I heard about anencephaly on TLC's A Baby Story.

February 16, 2012- Found out Kendall had anencephaly. Which was a Thursday.

February 14, 2013- We get to see our next/fourth baby for the first time. Thursday.

February 16, 2013- a year passed the worst day of my life, that will replay every year to come.

My mind can't decide between being happy or sad. And as you read, and as I think, I'd scream, BE HAPPY! But it isn't that easy. And happy verses sad, isn't really what it's all about. It's really about love. A love so deep that has no words. A love to be happy for, and a love that is ripped away.

The last thing I wrote to Kirk was just a simple "thank you" for being with me through it all. And the same goes to our God. He doesn't promise this world to be happy all the time, but He does promise to be with us every step of the way.

Happier post on Thursday.

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