Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Last Pre-op Doctor Appt.

Today sounds like it was my last doctors appt. before Kendall will be born. We didn't plan for another.

My mom spent the night to watch the kids this morning since the appt was 9am and we didn't want to take them this time. I got to the appt a little more nervous. My BP was a little higher than normal for me. But still in a normal range 13#/77. I'm usually really low, like 115/55....

Had u/s, measured fluid, Doctor told us results.... 50cm (Polyhydramnios). I didn't ask for my belly to be measured this time. Our doctor is really sweet, no (extra) pressure on making our decisions. But the truth is that if we want to have more assurance that she is the one doing the c-section and that the hospital will be "ready", without scrambling around if my water were to break, we'd have to 1) be more confident I could get to the 15th or 2) make a new date.

**just got phone call**

We were shooting for Monday or Wednesday of next week, Wednesday preferred. The call I just got was saying Wednesday at 9:30 is booked for us, so Wednesday, June 6 it is... still as long as my water doesn't break before then.

Feelings: kinda blah. Nothing bad, but not much good, but still positive.

The song for today.. Angel By Your Side

My grandmother's, who passed away a little over two years ago, birthday is tomorrow. Would have been 93. Been thinking about her and telling her to hold on to my baby for me... she's coming soon.

7 days.

For any out of state family that might want to come to the funeral (or friends)... we're penciled in for June 16.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lord, it's in your hands.

As updated on FB: fluid measuring 43, belly measuring 39 weeks at 34ish. Waiting till next Wednesday to measure again and make decisions. Taking fluid out is a choice but might cause other issues, as infections... We might be taking this week to prepare our minds for an even earlier c- section. Praying that my fluid doesn't change again, that my water doesn't break, that I can deal with my discomfort, and our hearts are strong enough to take what is to come (too soon: June 1-8?)

I like to have my chickens in a row. It this one keeps going off track. 

Something I've been preparing to post... and now is as good as it will get since we don't know the plans for tomorrow...

Satan’s testing me on this one and the more my program decides to shut down and not save what I have written (3rd time writing this) just makes me want to post it even more… so it’s time to give up Satan
Our beliefs and how we came to be here:
In my first post I said, “She gave us all our options…” I chose not to go into that at that time. Today’s world is so confused on many/most issues. Before being in our situation, I thought there was only black and white. I won’t be debating on if having a choice is right or wrong, but telling how we came to our choice and why the others were wrong for us.

What our doctor really told us that day was (my words):
1) We could inject Kendall and stop her heart before having an early induction, there for causing a stillbirth.
2) Anytime between then and full term we could have an early induction.
3) Try to go full term (c-section), still having the risk of having a stillborn at anytime.

What this meant to us:
1) Flat out abortion. After being in chat groups of anencephaly babies: people choose this as to save themselves from emotions they think they can’t handle. Then they are able to avoid the situation by telling others they lost the baby.
2) Where the gray area comes in. Our first thoughts before making our decision were for my benefit. I’ll be on my third c-section; this would allow for me to not have one. Faster recovery from birth. No more weight gain, uncomfort, worry, stress. Faster turn around if one wanted to have another child quickly. But that was all about me. How selfish would I be? Others remove themselves from saying this is an abortion because their baby is born alive. But truly, what life (even for a healthy baby) does a child have when born at 21 weeks? One person says she was“… bein induced into miscarrying my anen baby.”
3) Our only option. Truthfully, it took me 12 hours to sort through pain, grief, and shock to get to this final decision. I didn’t know right away, never having been in a situation like this. This was the only way we were giving Kendall a chance at life. The only way God could decide how long her life would be. The only way God could work in ways unseen.

I tell our side without throwing out Bible verses… b/c this is me. How God has molded me, and what I have learned through the Bible and my life in Christ…

People could say, “what type of quality of life could Kendall really have if she survives?” I think of it like this… If your child was perfectly healthy, then in a car accident where they are left paralyzed, unable to talk, or feed themselves, maybe worse, but not on life support… would you kill them? I hope your answer is no and that you’d love that child unconditionally and do all you could to help them as much as you could.

In a post on an anencephaly board, someone was asking how others had made their decisions. I told mine without saying that my opinion on other‘s decisions were wrong. Another person decided to lash back and let me know that “your decision won’t send you to Heaven, you know.” Well thank you, I never implied that. I’m sure she had other issues to work out on her own, and I didn’t feel like I needed to reply back to defend myself.

But I know someone reading this is struggling with what they believe. How can we truly believe that God is in control and He can heal Kendall? Others don’t make the decision we made, b/c they don’t have that faith.

Again, not shoving verses at someone, but showing people through the way we live our lives…We believe Jesus Christ, the son of God, was sent here and saved us from our sins. Believing this and asking Him into our hearts/lives is what saves us from Hell and one day we will live forever in Heaven. We believe in the Bible. That’s the ONLY way. God has healed, still heals, can heal. Being a Christian doesn’t make life easy. We still go through hard times to bring us closer to God. To teach us to praise Him in the small everyday things, and not only to run to Him when we are in need.

One of my favorite sayings is, “What if you woke up only with the things you thanked God for yesterday?” How many of our lists just got longer?

Bible and Baptism, Salvation, Heaven-
The hospital Chaplain asked us if we had any rituals or baptisms we wanted to do after Kendall is born. We said no, but we will have someone from our church come and pray with us. Some people are confused on if to get to Heaven, we must become a Christian, then how would Kendall be in Heaven? Some baptize a child thinking that is the answer.

I’ve read through this page, which explains what I think very well. This site, as a whole, has a ton of information in it that I have not read through… again, not debating anything with anyone. But if you are looking for verses to lead you, this might also help you know where to start:

Baptism for us, in full immersion, is an act of obedience once someone has decided to become a Christian. It itself won’t send you to Heaven. With a child, and everyone is different, there is a time of innocence. The time till they are of an age to understand what the God/Bible is teaching them. God wants us to become like children, back to that innocence, and come to Him. This is how I know I will see Kendall again, after she passes.

We love God with all our hearts. We believe we need nothing more than Him. Doesn't mean those  things/people are any easier to give up. We have faith that He can do anything and everything. And we thank Him everyday for what He has given us.

 We can do this. We can.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Anencephaly in the News!

Some unfortunate happenings these past couple of days turn into worldwide news, the spread of awareness of anencephaly and the word of God! I've been watching it unfold before posting about it...

I've been following the Walker family, as they lost their son to anencephaly this past February, the day before we found out about Kendall. Heather Walker (from Tenn.), now a friend of mine on FB and a supporter of Prayers for Kendall, posted pictures on her wall for only her friends and family to see sweet Grayson. One of those pictures was Grayson without his hat on, showing his anencephaly. Facebook took this picture down and banned Heather from posting anymore pictures. Afterward, the Walker family, confused and angry, voiced their frustration and made local news. This prompted friends and supporters to show support for this family and it made worldwide news.

I was tickled that even Perez Hilton was talking about it! A friend of hers says, "I am very sorry for your loss. Today in Sweden we could read in newspapers about you and how facebook acted towards you. God bless your family."

Later, Facebook apologized, which is all the Walker family needed. And Heather is able to post her beautiful pictures again.

"Dear Ms. Walker
I wanted to take a moment to reach out to you in regards to the warning that you received from Facebook last week. The photo that was removed from your profile is not in violation of our Statement of Rights and Responsibilities, and appears to have been removed in error. We do apologize for the removal of this content and the subsequent warning that you received.
Our policies are enforced by a team of reviewers in several offices across the globe. This team looks at hundreds of thousands of reports every week, and as you might expect, occasionally, we make a mistake and remove a piece of content we shouldn’t have. When this happens, we work quickly to address it by apologizing to the people affected and making any necessary changes to our systems and processes. I can assure you that this matter is being looked at carefully by our review team at this time. There should be no issue should you choose to re-post the photo in question. We’ve also removed this warning from your account, so that it does not affect your profile in the future.
If you have any questions about the circumstances of this matter, please do not hesitate to let me know. We apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your understanding. And please know, the Facebook Team and myself, extend our deepest condolences to you and your family.
Jud Hoffman
Global Policy Manager"

Heather, a regular mom, protecting the innocence of her children, and her family now have this chance to tell how awesome God is through all these events. She probably thought that after Grayson was gone, that Grayson's story would be over, but God has greater plans! If anyone would like to show their support for this family, you can go to Team Grayson!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Private Practice Finale

Caught up on that tonight... I cried, but I was happy the character wanted to see her baby. The worse part was when she said she wasn't ready to give him up.

In family news.... Kristen graduated 4K tonight and if her application is accepted tomorrow, will be signed up for a private Kindergarten! For everyone who doesn't knows me on FB... Kristen has a Sept. 6th birthday and the cut off is the 1st... so she wouldn't be able to go to public school. We feel like she is ready for Kindergarten and have been working on a way for a while now.  Our goal right now will be to transfer her to public in the 2nd grade. If we have to jump through hoops for our kids, we will! But to have this under our belt will be a breather and something exciting to look forward to in the Fall, as well as Drew going to preschool for the first time.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Hospital Visit

Last night was a trail run... and I think it actually helped me. I didn't get stressed or emotional...

I started contractions about 7:50pm (I think I told the nurse 8:50, who can keep up?) while Kirk was putting the kids to bed. Drew was screaming, so I decided to sit out on the porch and time the contractions in quiet. They weren't painful, but noticeable and about 10 mins apart. Some shorter, some longer. Our last visit with the doctor, she told us to call if they are 10 mins, even if they don't hurt.

**water break**

Once Kirk was done with the kids, I told him the news and we counted another 30 minutes while we pondered the best situation for the kids.Then I called the doctor. She told me keep up the water, which I had since dinner, take a bath for 20 minutes, and lay down. The bath seemed to have helped and I thought they had stopped or at least slowed down. Got dressed and laid in bed and they started up again. Called the doctor back at 10:30pm, and she called the hospital to let them know I was on the way.

**water break**
Once there, they hooked up a baby monitor and a contraction monitor and (without details) ran tests. Some contractions ended being 2 mins apart. One test urine, the other a "labor tests". Urine came back saying I was a little dehydrated and we were still waiting for the other test.  While waiting, the doctor on call checked my dilation and said I was still firm and undilated.

**water break**
This test that we were waiting on is a new one. They take a culture and depending on protein levels, it tells you if it predicts labor within the next two weeks. This one came back negative. Which I give a thumbs up.... it might have been worth the trip just to hear that.

**water break**

So, they decided to send me home (2am), and told me to drink drink drink! Which means I'll be in the restroom all day if anyone needs me :) But contractions have stopped, my in-laws are here, Kirk is working from home, and I'm on my way to taking a nap as soon as I hit "publish".

**bathroom break**

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Date Change

My c-section is now Friday, June 15th, 2012. Our other date was super early in the morning. We would have had to be there by 5am and our children and family would have been there around 6-6:30am. So, we were just looking into a time better for everyone. The doctor called and said she had another surgery on the 15th and we could do it then and have a better time. I think it will work better in the long run, since we're worried about my fluid level getting too high in the first place. It also allows us to pick a date better for a funeral, if she passes within a week... we'll know the funeral will be on the 21st or 22nd.

Countdown: 31 days!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

To the best Mom in the world.  We love you!

-Kristen, Drew and Kendall

Monday, May 7, 2012

Mother's Day Coming

Kisses from Kendall
I went into writing this (yesterday) thinking that it would end up similar to my Easter post, in bitterness, but it didn't. Every holiday will be hard for a while.

Quick update on our ultrasound today: Kendall is about 3lbs 10oz so far. C-section is 6 weeks from this Wednesday. I have "high" amniotic fluid, but not alarmingly high to where they will have to do anything about it.They want you around a 25, I was a 27 a month ago, today a 29... probably wouldn't take fluid out till a 40. We didn't get a 3D this time, but we got Kendall's kisses instead!

On to my post:

I was once in a group of ladies who one had a daughter with infertility issues. She put a perspective on Mother’s Day Celebrations in our church that I had never thought of before. The daughter wanted to be at church with her mother, but with Child Dedication on the same day, it seemed as a slap in the face that she couldn’t get pregnant and she didn’t like to go.

I had never had an issue with infertility, as Kristen was 1st try, Drew, 4th, and Kendall 2nd.month. Sometimes, feeling blessed while singing in church, I’d start crying while looking around at friends, who had lost babies, not been able to get pregnant on their own, had miscarriages, and another with a child fighting cancer. Never thinking I could be one of them, as Kendall was planned to be our last, I never knew how hard Mother’s Day could be.

There are many women who are asked about other’s children. “How many do you have? What ages?” And some women with losses are torn just to include the living children to save the other from sad feelings or from making them think they shouldn’t have asked. I hope to be proud enough to say three and explain our “2 living” (when the time comes).

This Mother’s Day could very well be my only one with Kendall. (And for Kirk, Father’s Day will be the weekend before my c-section.) I’m thankful to have her still with us this weekend, even though it’s bitter sweet and it will be more tough roads to come.

To honor all those Mom’s out there reading this with child losses (of any age), miscarriages, or stillbirths I wanted to have a candle lit for all your children…. but since this is the internet, just reply in the comment section (here or on the FB group) with your number in Heaven. They are never to be forgotten. And you will always be their mom. And one day we will meet with them again. Hope you all have a wonderful Mother’s Day!