Thursday, February 21, 2013

Where do we go next?

After some sleep, the feeling of punching a wall or shattering something went away, but the heavy heart remains. I said I was calmer and not as upset, but Kirk said otherwise. And it doesn't mean the hurt is any less.

I've been waiting 7+ years for these two babies. If I didn't have an early u/s last week, I wouldn't have ever known it was twins. Not that I've been in this situation, but I feel like it would be if you were waiting on an adoption for a long time, then the time came to get your baby, and something happened where it wasn't possible. Even if they weren't here long, my heart is torn. I had already started a journal for [them] too. I was getting my "happy place"/good attitude back, and now I'm back to square one.

I mentioned all the questions in our heads. They aren't all questions to God, although thoses are there without answers. Others have to do with our unknown future. Kirk and I had to both get to "a place" together after Kendall, where we'd be ready try again. And we went into this pregnancy with a fearlessness that we've gotten pregnant three times and carried them all to term, with no miscarriages, it will happen again. Now we have a new "fear". So it's like one step forward and five steps back.

Will we both want to try again?
If so, will we be ready at the same time?
How many times will be let ourselves be "let down" before deciding we're done or that we've been through too much?
Will I want to go in before 8 weeks next time? (besides for blood work)

I took blood again today to watch the numbers go down. We haven't asked how long the doctor wants us to wait till trying again. A friend is going through a similar issue and they told her 3 months.And I'll probably be asking about genetic testing.

I wish I could swallow what I said before and say that I would tell the next time for the prayers. But I now know that fear that women have that they don't tell. And they go through it "alone". I wouldn't want the kids to deal with it either. Kristen was a little in denial, believing a baby was still in there.

My comment stands about other's comments. Not that anyone has said this recently, but I didn't want people to say;
"You're young, you have time." Kirk doesn't feel this way, we're 11 years apart.
"The guy has all the time in the world." No, it's a decision we make together and his feelings count as much as mine.
"I had # miscarriages, blah blah blah". But most likely didn't hold your your baby in your arms and watch them go to heaven before that. It makes a difference. But I don't discount your own losses. I won't ever know what it's like to have a miscarriage before Kendall, but I know it's not the same.

I know most of you wouldn't say these things, but sometimes they creep in, and I'll ignore them. But I emotions can't take that risk right now. I don't have the energy to be upset with someone else. And you know how you notice all the pregnant people around you only when you're pregnant. I have that on top of seeing or hearing about twins everywhere now.

A lot running through my head again. If I look "spacey", you'll know why. Thank you for all your continued prayers.

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