Monday, February 20, 2012

Told Kristen Tonight

Drew (1 1/2) was in bed and our nerves started turning. It was time to take Kristen (4 1/2) up, brush her teeth, put her pjs on and tell her the news. We started by bringing up my computer and telling her I had a picture of some [new] friends I wanted to show her. She loves looking at pictures, taking pictures, anything with pictures.

The picture we showed her was the top picture on The Green's blog. Katie and I didn't know each other through high school, but we both went to CGHS. This past December her and her family brought a beautiful little girl into the world. Hallie had Trisomy 13 and went to be with the Lord after 5 days.

Showing this picture to Kristen, I told her everyone's names. She first said, "Three girls?!" Then proceeded to count our family and include myself and Kirk by saying we will have "2 boys and 3 girls." I mentioned that Chris, Katie's husband, is completely out numbered.

Then we focused back on us. I said we had some news and started with the good news. She knew that we went to the doctor on Thursday, as she saw the u/s pictures on Friday and was a little sad she didn't get to go. But she had school and she seemed to be okay with it when we said school comes first. So I continued by letting her know that the doctor told us we were having a baby girl. Took a pause as I took in her smile, then told her that we are naming her Kendall and took another pause.

Then back to the Green family. (Which I completely need to thank!!!! Don't know what to say, but you know how that is.) Started talking about baby Hallie and that she had a condition [not the word I used- wasn't exactly sure how to put it in her terms] but she wasn't sick, and she lived for a few days after she was born before she went to live in Heaven with God. Kristen seemed to have listen, but replied not too long afterward with "they can have another baby!" I shook my head in agreement slowly and said that was a possibility.

I'm not sure when we started crying, but this is probably the point. We started by saying that we were in a similar situation. (talking slowly) "Baby Kendall might have a couple days to live after she is born before going to live in Heaven with God." This is when we knew that she understood what we were talking about, as she said through tears, "I want her to come home". I didn't want to leave the "coming home" issue, as we don't know if she will. And basically said that we don't know the outcome. The conversation of having another baby for us was touched on but wasn't dwelled on, as we do not know our future. 

I went on mentioned my grandmother and reminded her that we always say she lives in our hearts; and that Kendall will one day too. But then reminded her that Kendall is still in mommy's belly and that we love her SO MUCH! That brought us out of the future and back to the present.

She prays with Kirk every night before bed, so I switched the conversation to what we can do now. Reminded her that she can continue to pray for her baby sister. Reminded her of our conversation just a week ago (before the news) about how God does miracles. I didn't go into "miracles" with her, as I don't want her to be upset if God doesn't give us the complete 100% miracle. And lastly asked if she had any questions. She didn't. But we let her know she could ask us anything at any time.

We all had many hugs and kisses. Told each other how much we love each other. Then I let her go back to her more normal book time with Daddy. He came out a little bit later and said she seemed ok. And now she is sleeping.

So my specific prayer for tonight is for Kristen and Drew. For Kristen's continued love for Kendall without being scared or confused. And one day for Drew's understanding, as we'll always speak of Kendall whether she is with us or in our hearts. Thank you all for prayers for them.

More on talking to Kristen


  1. We continue to pray for your family. I haven't stopped thinking about you guys and the song "greater things are yet to come" because I couldn't agree anymore than that! While this may be the hardest thing anyone could ever go through, it will also be the best(I know its hard to imagine).
    There is a book called I Will Carry You by Angie Smith and song. I recommend it. I cant remember but I think Katie might have written about it.

    1. I have heard of the book. And that's the song linked on my first post. BEAUTIFUL!! I can't get enough of it. I play it over and over.

  2. I think it's great you are journaling this journey.... God bless you!!

  3. Oh, Stephanie. I immediately choked up when I read about Kristen crying. When you posted your news last week, that was my very first thought: How are they going to tell Kristen? I, of course, always think about Cooper whenever you talk about her. I just don't know how I would have the strength to have that conversation with him. Sounds like you guys did an awesome job and I am in awe of y'all. My family and I continue to pray for you, the baby, your husband and the kids. Thank you for sharing such an inspirational journey with us. We will tell Cooper about Kendall's story, just as he knows about Hallie's. Her legacy is already beginning...and I know you are already one proud mom!

  4. Hi,
    You don't know me- but I heard about your sweet family through Stacy Kiewiet. I read your story and felt compelled to share mine, in hopes that it will bolster your spirits...

    The basics:
    at 17 weeks we were told our baby girl had a lethal form of dwarfism or possibly a trisomy

    at 23 weeks I flew to Houston to see some specialists to help diagnose our daughter

    at 23 weeks I finally accepted that God was going to handle this and no amount of research or information was going to change His plan.
    This is the prayer I prayed:

    Are you there? I call myself looking for you, but I seem to have
    forgotten the key to finding you. Here I am, flying through the air, as close physically to supposed Heaven as I'll be until you call me to you and yet I feel completely alone. Today, like many others of recent past, my heart is broken. Inside me I grow one of you children and, like most mothers, I long to be her champion and lead her to you and yet... You know her heart God, You know her place, only You. Perhaps you'll take her from us to protect her in ways we can't. Perhaps you'll heal her an send her home with us to be cherished in our inadequate and human ways. I so wish I knew what you were doing with this little one. Medicine, today, is powerful, but I know that this, like our situation with Luceas, cannot be "cured." It can only be healed by your hand. I see now that you have been preparing me for this struggle. I look back over the many months and see where you have pulled me through, showed me how to lean on you, helped me pick up the pieces. Why now do I try to soldier on alone? I am waking up,
    God. I am asking you for help. Shake me out of this and show me my path. I have so many tools to use to break free from my self
    imprisonment. Please hold me as I venture into these dark waters.
    Remind me of my blessings and of my strengths, but most importantly, remind me that I am nothing. I am broken, sinful and empty without you. Your hand has guided me down this path, long before I accepted it. Whatever the future holds, you are the key. Make me a blessing to my husband and children. Fill my heart with the joy of being loved and the promise of eternal salvation so that I may spread it. I am praying for your will, for strength, for mercy. My life, not just that of this child, is completely in your hands. Guide me. I will follow. Now and forever I am yours. Thank you for pursuing me, God. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
    Your faithful, albeit sometimes faltering servant,

    at 23 weeks we were advised to terminate the pregnancy (by 6 different physicians)

    We chose to wait. We, like you, chose to give our baby girl every second God intended her to have.

    God is amazing and He will bless your family. While you wait this long wait, know that my family and I are praying, fervently, for your family, for your children, for your husband, and for you. Whatever comes to pass, you have touched the lives of many and shown them a human example of God's perfect love.

    God bless you all.