Thursday, February 28, 2013

Doctor/Ultrasound update

Nothing to really start this post with except the facts:

1) Uterus was empty except for blood- I felt relieved when I heard this. I felt that with the hCg numbers not going down meant that there had to be something there and I was bracing myself for extra medicine or another procedure. So I was happy to have everything happen naturally and not have to be having a "next step" before getting some closure.

2) All other womanly parts looked good and healthy... Nurse W said "beautiful".

3) Asked if we should be starting to talk about further testing, genetics. Dr. G said that most of the things they tests for, we can already rule out because we have had two healthy children, and carried three full term babies. One example: They would tests for something wrong in the uterine wall that wouldn't allow me to carry a baby... but we know I can.

4) I took blood again today, and will probably one more time next week, just to keep an eye on those numbers that should be coming down. I'm not as worried about those anymore, not that we have seen an u/s.

5) Predicted another week of bleeding, yippy.

6) If we decide we're ready, then we can try again after the second cycle shows up. The first would be just to make sure the uterine wall gets thick again.

Sorry if there are guys reading this. I never intended this blog to be so specific in the womanly areas, but if it helps someone else through this process, then there is a purpose for it. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'm not regretful for everything in the public. You all are part of our lifeline. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Trust in the Lord with all your heart...

Proverbs 3:5

As I said in a post, I try to keep my post on a positive note, you don't get to probably really read it ALL.. even though you knew I was really frustrated the last two. Either I've said it here and/or on the prayer page on FB... before finding out "everything" that's going on, I've said, "I feel like God's telling me that's everything is going to be okay". And then I was being encouraged that I really was hearing him, knowing it was twins. "A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years" But as I typed that I knew not everything was "okay". So as one thing becomes clear, another becomes foggy. And I know "okay" could be in the long run and not right now.

Since my last post, things haven't been straight forward, pertaining to this "miscarriage". I put EVERYTHING in quotations earlier, but I haven't found out everything yet. Last week, my blood work showed my numbers slightly going up. But not as much as they should. So, I did it once more this week before my u/s I have scheduled for tomorrow. And again, up a little.

I called the nurse for results this time. I was under the impression that she might not call me and leave it for the doctor tomorrow. This time, to ease my wondering positive mind, I asked if there was any chance of me still being pregnant. She looked over the doctor's notes and said "from the info we have and the bleeding, it doesn't look good", but still wasn't going to be confident to say one way or the other, if she was able to.

I have a friend who miscarried a few months ago, that said her baby stopped growing but her numbers continued to climb. The body does crazy things.

Today my phone or FB decided to act up and in a comment box this morning it had an old message I had written, but it wasn't the last thing I wrote. It said, "I'm here." And I accidentally sent it, as I had just woken up and my phone was being slow. It was in an anencephaly group, and someone had mentioned maybe it was a way that Kendall was saying "hi". I thought that was cute, but knew  "smart phones" aren't always smart. Then it happened again this afternoon. Same message. And I look up to my art project on my wall... (picture).

My heart wants to believe with all of it, that everything is "okay" and God is saying "I'm here." All things are possible!!! Believe! But my mind knows the logic. My mom asked "what's going on" and I said I couldn't tell her 100%. I've been avoiding being positive, or "fulling trusting" to avoid the heart break that comes when things don't go my way. But is it "my way"? Should I trust and say that "yes, it is a possibility that I'm still pregnant"??

Lord, I know you're here. You always have been and always will be. I didn't feel like you were telling me that Kendall could defy the odds, so I didn't really feel it deep down that she would be healed for that miracle, although I wanted it. But my heart is trying to tell me something different this time. And I know I'm trying to fight it, so I don't get let down. We all wonder if we could truly trust enough to step out onto the water....

As I pray and I type, I was about to type... "But they SAW you there."

My story isn't over. And I didn't know I was going to type this. Coming home on Sunday night, I saw Jesus' face in a lit tree, while Kirk drove down the road. I told him about it, but we drove on.

....I saw you there.

You can obviously read that there's a ping pong match going through my head. And tomorrow should be the day all this madness comes to a rest. My ultrasound is at 12:30pm.

I didn't go into this post knowing what I was going to type. Most of my post are whatever comes into my head at that time. This is me. And I as a reader I'd would be saying "she's going crazy". Welcome to the past two weeks for me. We'll see tomorrow where God wants to take this.

ADDED: We went back to the tree, and Kirk saw the face as well. I haven't been able to take great pictures, and the ones I took got erased from my phone.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Where do we go next?

After some sleep, the feeling of punching a wall or shattering something went away, but the heavy heart remains. I said I was calmer and not as upset, but Kirk said otherwise. And it doesn't mean the hurt is any less.

I've been waiting 7+ years for these two babies. If I didn't have an early u/s last week, I wouldn't have ever known it was twins. Not that I've been in this situation, but I feel like it would be if you were waiting on an adoption for a long time, then the time came to get your baby, and something happened where it wasn't possible. Even if they weren't here long, my heart is torn. I had already started a journal for [them] too. I was getting my "happy place"/good attitude back, and now I'm back to square one.

I mentioned all the questions in our heads. They aren't all questions to God, although thoses are there without answers. Others have to do with our unknown future. Kirk and I had to both get to "a place" together after Kendall, where we'd be ready try again. And we went into this pregnancy with a fearlessness that we've gotten pregnant three times and carried them all to term, with no miscarriages, it will happen again. Now we have a new "fear". So it's like one step forward and five steps back.

Will we both want to try again?
If so, will we be ready at the same time?
How many times will be let ourselves be "let down" before deciding we're done or that we've been through too much?
Will I want to go in before 8 weeks next time? (besides for blood work)

I took blood again today to watch the numbers go down. We haven't asked how long the doctor wants us to wait till trying again. A friend is going through a similar issue and they told her 3 months.And I'll probably be asking about genetic testing.

I wish I could swallow what I said before and say that I would tell the next time for the prayers. But I now know that fear that women have that they don't tell. And they go through it "alone". I wouldn't want the kids to deal with it either. Kristen was a little in denial, believing a baby was still in there.

My comment stands about other's comments. Not that anyone has said this recently, but I didn't want people to say;
"You're young, you have time." Kirk doesn't feel this way, we're 11 years apart.
"The guy has all the time in the world." No, it's a decision we make together and his feelings count as much as mine.
"I had # miscarriages, blah blah blah". But most likely didn't hold your your baby in your arms and watch them go to heaven before that. It makes a difference. But I don't discount your own losses. I won't ever know what it's like to have a miscarriage before Kendall, but I know it's not the same.

I know most of you wouldn't say these things, but sometimes they creep in, and I'll ignore them. But I emotions can't take that risk right now. I don't have the energy to be upset with someone else. And you know how you notice all the pregnant people around you only when you're pregnant. I have that on top of seeing or hearing about twins everywhere now.

A lot running through my head again. If I look "spacey", you'll know why. Thank you for all your continued prayers.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

3 Babies Waiting in Heaven

The roller coaster isn't over... Since everything else has been public, and I know everyone cares for us and are praying... this has to be public as well...

Last week I knew I was having two, Thursday one, and today none. (You read that right.)

Leaving the appt on Thursday, Kirk and I felt like the doctor wasn't being too positive. I tried to make my post positive, as there was still hope for one. But Then Friday my spotting was heavier, and I called the nurse. She wanted me to monitor myself  over the weekend. On Monday I had blood work and Tuesday she called with the results that my numbers were down.

Since we had the weekend to mull it over, we're not in shock. I haven't had any physical pain. With all the questions in our head, I think I feel mad more than anything else. But there isn't anything to do about it. I was happy to start trying in January, finally coming out of a funk about living in the past/present of Kendall, looking forward to something in the future to be happy about.... only to be shot down again on the same weekend as last year.

Feel free to say "sorry", but I'm not really up for any "positive" thoughts right now, when we aren't sure about our futures.That's my nice way of saying keep your comments short or to yourself. I was already hurt by a certain comment this weekend. Thank you.

Ps- don't worry if you think you might have said something. The person doesn't read this.

Update- (2/20) after some sleep, I'm of clearer mind and not as bitter or upset. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Baby Update 6+ Weeks

Went to the doctor.... I went into this week thinking I'd be excited, till yesterday when I started a little spotting. But to put everyone's nerves away, everything looks fine.

I'm still happy and excited, but also a little bummed. If you remember THIS blog post I mentioned twins... I had a good feeling about this pregnancy really being twins. I was hoping to be able to tease about having another big secret and getting more 'likes' on our foundation page....

So- **news**
1) Everything looks good one the spotting issue.
2)There ARE two sacs!! 
3) BUT One looked under developed... 

So- mixed emotions again. Since it is still early, we didn't get any pictures b/c the baby isn't big enough to be called a "peanut" yet. We have another appt and u/s in two weeks. We'll be able to see the heartbeat then. Not sure whether or not to say pray for "baby/sac B". But we will be able to see it better in two weeks.

A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years.

Monday, February 11, 2013

There are no words.

You read the title and then I type lots of words to describe "no words". There just aren't any words deep enough to describe this week. I haven't cried in a while, but I knew it would soon come. I've started to cry, pregnancy hormones probably, more than grief (juggling act), but I've stopped myself b/c I like to know what I'm crying about. But everything can't be summed up in a word or even a sentence or thought.

I made Kirk's Valentine card today. (Sorry babe, you have a few more days to read it.) Valentine's was nothing more than a Hallmark holiday to us really. Kirk and I have birthdays a week apart and for both of these events we've been know to go to the store together, pick out a card for each other, let the other read it, and put it back on the shelf.

February 15, 2003- Ten years ago from Friday, Kirk proposed.

February 15, 2012- The first time I heard about anencephaly on TLC's A Baby Story.

February 16, 2012- Found out Kendall had anencephaly. Which was a Thursday.

February 14, 2013- We get to see our next/fourth baby for the first time. Thursday.

February 16, 2013- a year passed the worst day of my life, that will replay every year to come.

My mind can't decide between being happy or sad. And as you read, and as I think, I'd scream, BE HAPPY! But it isn't that easy. And happy verses sad, isn't really what it's all about. It's really about love. A love so deep that has no words. A love to be happy for, and a love that is ripped away.

The last thing I wrote to Kirk was just a simple "thank you" for being with me through it all. And the same goes to our God. He doesn't promise this world to be happy all the time, but He does promise to be with us every step of the way.

Happier post on Thursday.