Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Trust in the Lord with all your heart...

Proverbs 3:5

As I said in a post, I try to keep my post on a positive note, you don't get to probably really read it ALL.. even though you knew I was really frustrated the last two. Either I've said it here and/or on the prayer page on FB... before finding out "everything" that's going on, I've said, "I feel like God's telling me that's everything is going to be okay". And then I was being encouraged that I really was hearing him, knowing it was twins. "A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years" But as I typed that I knew not everything was "okay". So as one thing becomes clear, another becomes foggy. And I know "okay" could be in the long run and not right now.

Since my last post, things haven't been straight forward, pertaining to this "miscarriage". I put EVERYTHING in quotations earlier, but I haven't found out everything yet. Last week, my blood work showed my numbers slightly going up. But not as much as they should. So, I did it once more this week before my u/s I have scheduled for tomorrow. And again, up a little.

I called the nurse for results this time. I was under the impression that she might not call me and leave it for the doctor tomorrow. This time, to ease my wondering positive mind, I asked if there was any chance of me still being pregnant. She looked over the doctor's notes and said "from the info we have and the bleeding, it doesn't look good", but still wasn't going to be confident to say one way or the other, if she was able to.

I have a friend who miscarried a few months ago, that said her baby stopped growing but her numbers continued to climb. The body does crazy things.

Today my phone or FB decided to act up and in a comment box this morning it had an old message I had written, but it wasn't the last thing I wrote. It said, "I'm here." And I accidentally sent it, as I had just woken up and my phone was being slow. It was in an anencephaly group, and someone had mentioned maybe it was a way that Kendall was saying "hi". I thought that was cute, but knew  "smart phones" aren't always smart. Then it happened again this afternoon. Same message. And I look up to my art project on my wall... (picture).

My heart wants to believe with all of it, that everything is "okay" and God is saying "I'm here." All things are possible!!! Believe! But my mind knows the logic. My mom asked "what's going on" and I said I couldn't tell her 100%. I've been avoiding being positive, or "fulling trusting" to avoid the heart break that comes when things don't go my way. But is it "my way"? Should I trust and say that "yes, it is a possibility that I'm still pregnant"??

Lord, I know you're here. You always have been and always will be. I didn't feel like you were telling me that Kendall could defy the odds, so I didn't really feel it deep down that she would be healed for that miracle, although I wanted it. But my heart is trying to tell me something different this time. And I know I'm trying to fight it, so I don't get let down. We all wonder if we could truly trust enough to step out onto the water....

As I pray and I type, I was about to type... "But they SAW you there."

My story isn't over. And I didn't know I was going to type this. Coming home on Sunday night, I saw Jesus' face in a lit tree, while Kirk drove down the road. I told him about it, but we drove on.

....I saw you there.

You can obviously read that there's a ping pong match going through my head. And tomorrow should be the day all this madness comes to a rest. My ultrasound is at 12:30pm.

I didn't go into this post knowing what I was going to type. Most of my post are whatever comes into my head at that time. This is me. And I as a reader I'd would be saying "she's going crazy". Welcome to the past two weeks for me. We'll see tomorrow where God wants to take this.

ADDED: We went back to the tree, and Kirk saw the face as well. I haven't been able to take great pictures, and the ones I took got erased from my phone.

1 comment:

  1. I can follow your thoughts so clearly, Stephanie... I am praying for you. Believe me when I say that. I really am praying for you. I am not on facebook so please update your blog as soon as you can. XO-Hill