Monday, June 11, 2012

Post Birthday Emotions

This sucks. I haven't known what to type since Kendall's birthday on my emotions. It's been up and down. (I got that much typed before crying) I know it's just going to take time, but maybe if I force myself to type it out it will help me more. Up until Wednesday, time couldn't have gone slow enough, and now I want it to go faster.

Kendall's birthday was wonderful and sad at the same time, but I enjoyed every moment of that day, b/c she was still physically with us. That day then went by so fast, then the next one came. The hospital room became my comfortable place. I enjoyed friends coming to see us and talking with us. The nurses knew everything and were all very nice. I could probably return to that room again and again and feel like it was our room.

Coming home was hard.  Leaving the only place that I got to hold my sweet baby. I was fine in the car up until we saw our house. Kristen was born at our old house, but Drew here. There were not balloons on mailbox, and no baby to take pictures of coming into their house for the first time. And I broke down for a while in the car before getting out, while Kirk held me. Then some more once we got all of our stuff inside.

Sometimes I feel there isn't much to be positive about anymore. I lost that hope of having her healed for this life. And since her birth, it's been hard to pray. For so long it was praying that she would be healed or that we'd have the time we needed (which I do feel like we did, and I guess I can be thankful for that).It was lunch time when we got home, so Kirk got us some food. We sat down to pray and didn't have any words hardly. Force out a prayer. Then today, right before sitting down to write this, I put Kristen down for a nap. I prayed for her before leaving. It wasn't the same anymore.

I don't want to put words into anyone's mouth, but thank you to the ones who have told us "congratulations". Telling strangers before that I was having a baby was hard. They'd say "congrats", but not know our situation and I'd feel like rolling my eyes b/c they didn't know and I wouldn't smile back. Today the garbage people messed up our billing, and called us to say not to worry about the extra fee they sent over the weekend. I didn't know they sent it in the mail b/c of being at the hospital, so I told her we had a baby and we'd look for the letter. She said "congrats", and even though I didn't know her, I actually felt thankful that she said that.

Like I said before, it's harder to type now that I don't feel like there is anything to be hopeful about anymore. Time (and God) is the only thing that can help us move on. But what if I don't want to move on? I know I won't forget that one day in history, but scared that I will. I almost feel like the pain and crying connect me to Kendall still and if I get "passed" it that maybe I'm moving on from her.

I guess this is when a good book would come in handy. Don't worry about suggesting one. I have a few, just need time to read them. Everyone says I'm a good writer, but I find that funny b/c I don't like to read. I've never felt like I had the time.

So, I guess this answers everyone's famous question of, "how are you doing?" My answers been, "fine, we're doing good." In those moments, we're not thinking much deep emotions, and we are "fine". The sadness doesn't consume us every moment. But this gives anyone reading this an inside of how it certain moments can be.

Update: Once Kirk read this, he gave me a worried look on his face... These aren't feelings that consume my thoughts. I don't feel like I'm depressed. Just every-now-and-then thoughts all written down in one place. Don't want to worry anyone.

Second Update: After releasing all that, we've had a few "good" days in a row. 


  1. name is Jill. I was linked to your blog from another that I read, and just wanted to let you know that I will continue to pray for your family. Every child is such an amazing gift from God, so CONGRATULATIONS on your beautiful blessing, Kendall!!
    Take care,

  2. Hello my name is Carla and myself and my family live in guernsey in the channel islands. I followed the link to this page through Facebook months ago and over the weeks I have stood in aww of your family and it's positivity in something that at first seemed so negative. The way in which you all embraced Kendall and her life even though you knew it would be brief was soul lifting.
    But I also knew that the end would come when all the praying would seem futile and although you had time with her you would also long for just a few more min, hours a few more precious moments to imprint every detail of her beauty in to your mind so that you would never forget one precious thing. I too have lost a child at birth ( under different circumstances,) i know what it feels like to go home with empty arms. To want to fit a life time of memories in to the shortest of time. I did not get the chance to plan what my daughters birth would be like or who would be there as it all happened to fast. But I do remember feeling just like you do now all you want is for people to say congratulations because if they do that then they are acknowledging life (however brief) instead most say sorry for your loss acknowledging only death. Kendall did live both inside the comfort of your womb and outside when all she felt was love. I remember wanting just one card that said it's a girl but they all said in sympathy or thinking of you etc. I don't think your alone in your struggle to pray after all you have been praying for a miracle for many months now you feel cheated. You here of miracle babies who against all odds outlive any limitations given to them by medical staff and hope and pray that your child is one of these amazing few. Every life is a miracle however brief, through you and your family Kendall taught so many people the true meaning of unconditional love, you gave her a voice before birth and a voice which will be remembered long after. You proved that every life has a right to be nurtured, that people should not give up on others just because they may not be perfect, or because the outcome may be a sad one. Kendalls brief life will never be forgotten she was beautiful even in death. So Congratulations on the birth of Kemdall a perfect Angel in heaven xx

  3. Oh, my heart hurts for yours. Coming home from the hospital empty handed after having a baby is awful. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but each day will get a little easier. I'm praying for your family.