Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lord, it's in your hands.

As updated on FB: fluid measuring 43, belly measuring 39 weeks at 34ish. Waiting till next Wednesday to measure again and make decisions. Taking fluid out is a choice but might cause other issues, as infections... We might be taking this week to prepare our minds for an even earlier c- section. Praying that my fluid doesn't change again, that my water doesn't break, that I can deal with my discomfort, and our hearts are strong enough to take what is to come (too soon: June 1-8?)

I like to have my chickens in a row. It this one keeps going off track. 

Something I've been preparing to post... and now is as good as it will get since we don't know the plans for tomorrow...

Satan’s testing me on this one and the more my program decides to shut down and not save what I have written (3rd time writing this) just makes me want to post it even more… so it’s time to give up Satan
Our beliefs and how we came to be here:
In my first post I said, “She gave us all our options…” I chose not to go into that at that time. Today’s world is so confused on many/most issues. Before being in our situation, I thought there was only black and white. I won’t be debating on if having a choice is right or wrong, but telling how we came to our choice and why the others were wrong for us.

What our doctor really told us that day was (my words):
1) We could inject Kendall and stop her heart before having an early induction, there for causing a stillbirth.
2) Anytime between then and full term we could have an early induction.
3) Try to go full term (c-section), still having the risk of having a stillborn at anytime.

What this meant to us:
1) Flat out abortion. After being in chat groups of anencephaly babies: people choose this as to save themselves from emotions they think they can’t handle. Then they are able to avoid the situation by telling others they lost the baby.
2) Where the gray area comes in. Our first thoughts before making our decision were for my benefit. I’ll be on my third c-section; this would allow for me to not have one. Faster recovery from birth. No more weight gain, uncomfort, worry, stress. Faster turn around if one wanted to have another child quickly. But that was all about me. How selfish would I be? Others remove themselves from saying this is an abortion because their baby is born alive. But truly, what life (even for a healthy baby) does a child have when born at 21 weeks? One person says she was“… bein induced into miscarrying my anen baby.”
3) Our only option. Truthfully, it took me 12 hours to sort through pain, grief, and shock to get to this final decision. I didn’t know right away, never having been in a situation like this. This was the only way we were giving Kendall a chance at life. The only way God could decide how long her life would be. The only way God could work in ways unseen.

I tell our side without throwing out Bible verses… b/c this is me. How God has molded me, and what I have learned through the Bible and my life in Christ…

People could say, “what type of quality of life could Kendall really have if she survives?” I think of it like this… If your child was perfectly healthy, then in a car accident where they are left paralyzed, unable to talk, or feed themselves, maybe worse, but not on life support… would you kill them? I hope your answer is no and that you’d love that child unconditionally and do all you could to help them as much as you could.

In a post on an anencephaly board, someone was asking how others had made their decisions. I told mine without saying that my opinion on other‘s decisions were wrong. Another person decided to lash back and let me know that “your decision won’t send you to Heaven, you know.” Well thank you, I never implied that. I’m sure she had other issues to work out on her own, and I didn’t feel like I needed to reply back to defend myself.

But I know someone reading this is struggling with what they believe. How can we truly believe that God is in control and He can heal Kendall? Others don’t make the decision we made, b/c they don’t have that faith.

Again, not shoving verses at someone, but showing people through the way we live our lives…We believe Jesus Christ, the son of God, was sent here and saved us from our sins. Believing this and asking Him into our hearts/lives is what saves us from Hell and one day we will live forever in Heaven. We believe in the Bible. That’s the ONLY way. God has healed, still heals, can heal. Being a Christian doesn’t make life easy. We still go through hard times to bring us closer to God. To teach us to praise Him in the small everyday things, and not only to run to Him when we are in need.

One of my favorite sayings is, “What if you woke up only with the things you thanked God for yesterday?” How many of our lists just got longer?

Bible and Baptism, Salvation, Heaven-
The hospital Chaplain asked us if we had any rituals or baptisms we wanted to do after Kendall is born. We said no, but we will have someone from our church come and pray with us. Some people are confused on if to get to Heaven, we must become a Christian, then how would Kendall be in Heaven? Some baptize a child thinking that is the answer.

I’ve read through this page, which explains what I think very well. This site, as a whole, has a ton of information in it that I have not read through… again, not debating anything with anyone. But if you are looking for verses to lead you, this might also help you know where to start:

Baptism for us, in full immersion, is an act of obedience once someone has decided to become a Christian. It itself won’t send you to Heaven. With a child, and everyone is different, there is a time of innocence. The time till they are of an age to understand what the God/Bible is teaching them. God wants us to become like children, back to that innocence, and come to Him. This is how I know I will see Kendall again, after she passes.

We love God with all our hearts. We believe we need nothing more than Him. Doesn't mean those  things/people are any easier to give up. We have faith that He can do anything and everything. And we thank Him everyday for what He has given us.

 We can do this. We can.



  1. amazing and well put to the point, God Bless & Prayers continue.

  2. Well said and full of the glory that is God. We will continue to pray for you and all of your family.