Tuesday, December 25, 2012

First Christmas

Usually I get a sentence out before starting to tear up, but just trying to think about how I'd start this one off I already need a tissue.

It's our first Christmas. Not first to celebrate or first as a Christian. And not even just the first without Kendall, but the first as our "new selves". And I did tear up a little today as the day went through. Once, I was remembering that I haven't journaled for Kristen and Drew lately. And remembering back to my last journal for Kendall before starting this blog. Just to remember back to when we thought everything was going perfect.

We had Christmas Eve with Kirk's family and my family came to our house early this morning. And normal activities with family were fine. Everyone excited to watch the kids rip into things. The one thing tangible on my list that I wanted the most was a new machine to use for the foundation. The foundation is my thing to keep me connected to Kendall and the pay-it-forward part is what is keeping me sane.

And just staying real, I don't have a tissue and just wiped my nose with my arm... I'm good... too lazy to get up... And my mom would ask why I would write that... and it's basically to show that through the day smiles and laughter wins through some tears.

With a break in the rain this afternoon, Kirk, Kristen, Drew, and myself went to visit Kendall. My second cry came from Kirk bending down and telling her "Bye-bye and Merry Christmas" as we were about to leave. My mind was thinking, "You shouldn't have to say that. It's just not fair."

And the third, not having much to do with Kendall, but God just letting me know He's listening.... Tucking Kristen into bed, she usually says her silent prayer and then I'll pray out loud. I had a little thought before she started to pray.... *I wish I could hear her prayer*

And a split second later, "Mommy, I wanna pray so you can hear me."

"Okay." Playing like it was no big deal... *HUGE GRIN*

I finished up and went to take out my contacts... And was thinking about what was my best present to receive. We asked Kristen what hers was. And we were talking about if Jesus gave Kendall a present. (Side note: Kristen thinks of Kendall as a 2-3-ish year old as well) And as much as I needed (I say "needed" b/c if I can't have my child, I better at least get the one material thing I wanted that connects me to her) the machine... it wasn't the machine. But continue to know God is listening and to hear Kristen's sweet voice as she prayed.

Merry Christmas baby girl... Kristen said Jesus knows how to braid your hair like hers!

Update on Foundation- check is written with paper work in the mail. Literally just waiting on the IRS! Who knows how long that will take. But now I have to learn how to use my Christmas present!


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