Sunday, December 16, 2012

Needed An "Ugly Cry"

Haven't cried too much till Thursday night before bed, but haven't let up since with the CT kids.
It started off with something personal and on going; something I don't want to go I to detail here. Little things that would be stupid if anyone else talked about them sneak up and hit me when least expecting.
Then Friday came. I am saddened for the families of the ones killed. But my sadness is different. People post that they "can't imagine". I might not be able to imagine a horrific scene that took place, but I can imagine and will for the rest of my life, what it is like to live without one of your children.
And then some jealousy comes in. I'm aware that sounds wrong... Those families will have each other to lean on. Memories of their children laughing and playing. People who knew their children and can say "remember when..." And I'm sure there will be many events to come in remembrance and huge gatherings of love to continue to pour out.
When you lose an infant, there aren't too many people that can truly understand. The people I turn to the most, besides Kirk, are moms online who I will never meet. I somewhat look forward to "A Walk to Remember" with other families, but I don't know them either. And now not too many, even family, say much about Kendall.
Yes, I know that there's not that much to say. Sometimes I don't have the words either. But I rather talk about her than hide her. The pain is and will always be there, even when I have a smile on my face.
I'm thankful for a friend, Kathy, today for reminding us that other people are closer to home are hurting as much as those families in CT. I needed someone to remember (me- and I hate to be selfish or self centered) It made me cry but it was a cry of thankfulness.
Typing this on a dying phone, so I will edit mistakes later...


  1. I don't post much, but read everything you post. I want you to know that Kendall will never be forgotten with many of us who have witnessed what you have gone through. Sometimes I think so many of us want to say something or talk about it, but I never want to say anything insensitve or something that makes you hurt when you are having a good moment. Please know that your family is still in our prayers and although I can never truely understand your pain, I do hurt with you.

    1. I can't tell from your post, which Laura this is... but I think Cribb? Just determines how I respond. And I would send a private message. But thank you for your post!

  2. Stephanie, this is beautiful. And know that your story brings tears to my eyes very often. Many times it's when I just catch myself looking at Caroline playing by herself and wondering what in the world is going on through her mind. Or when I hear Parker playing out an entire scene of 'Frosty the Snowman' with his Little People. I know how blessed I am to have my sweet children with me and in my life. And you are right, I haven't ever experienced what you've experienced. And I don't think my mind could ever go there. But I do want you to know that I think about Kendall every time I see you or think about you. (And I have to admit... when I first joined Sunday School, I thought about Kendall every time I saw Christin Kight because for some crazy reason, I got you two confused for the first few weeks!!!) But know that she isn't forgotten. I do think about her. I think about how she and Caroline probably would have been friends growing up in church and school together. Ahhh... I can't even see my computer screen any more so I'm going to stop now, but please just know that she isn't forgotten. And I'm sure many other people whose lives you have touched feel the same way. Love...

  3. Stephanie, Kendall is never forgotten in this household either. very often when I look at Karrington, I think of Kendall. They were born so close together that I know I will never forget her. I did not have the pleasure of meeting your sweet baby, but I know how loved she is by you and Kirk. I agree with a comment from Laura above where I don't want to make a remark that might seem insensitive. it goes back to that whole you don't know what to say so you say nothing at all. I promise though that Kendall has not been forgotten and we still pray for you and Kirk and the kids. I cannot possibly know the pain you guys have suffered and I will not pretend to, but I do know that our awesome God hasyou right in the palm of His hand. I know when my words are not sufficient, He is. I have never been great speaking to people who have dealt with a loss because I have never experienced the death of someone really close to me. I am so scared I will say the wrong thing, but then I guess it might be better to try than go on with saying nothing. You are an inspiration to many and I know that comes from your relationship with the Lord. just know that I will continue to pray you. I will always see Kendall in Karrington. I said it before, but every time Karrington does something new I think would Kendall be doing that or for another month that Karrington gets older I think that's another. month since Kendall was here. I am getting too wordy. sorry, I start repeating myself. I do not have your talent with words, but just know this family has not forgotten. and if there is possibly anything we could do, just ask.