Yesterday I felt the weight of the world was upon me. Anyone from Atlanta that listens to 104.7 lately has heard of Mark and Hannah. I went to school with Mark. Hannah passed away yesterday morning. And I could feel that deep pain that he must have been feeling.
Someone in a child loss group stated, "Depending on how far down Grief Rd. you are,
you may have already realized that you are a little stronger than you
were before. You may know what I mean when I describe it as a little
tougher and softer, at the same time. It reminds me of superhero's in
the tv and movies. Just for the simple commonality that they too have an
enlightened sense of being, but only after some personal traumatic
event. Not all super hero's are the same though, they all have some
specific attribute unique to thier circumstance. What is your superhero attribute?"
One person said they are really good at pretending. Putting on a mask for everyone else, when in the inside no one really knows her anymore. Some people after a child loss feel like they just don't fit in with anyone anymore. Mine was that I've realized that I probably have felt one of the deepest hurts and I can pick up on other's real pain very easily. Empathy, times a million. Like Superman could hear everyone crying out for help all at once and it drove him bonkers before he could control it.
The world is full of pain without hate, wars, bullying, etc. I didn't know Hannah, and barely knew Mark from high school band, but the loss is still there. Not only did I message Mark, but I found Hannah's mom and messaged her. I told Mark that I wasn't going to compared losing a spouse to a child, but from one mom to another I reached out.
Today is Kristen's 5th birthday and Kendall's 3 months in heaven. I knew the kids' birthdays would all be close, so from day one of knowing Kendall was on the way I was looking forward to saying, "I have a 5yo, 2yo (Aug 18), and 3mo."
Friends arranged for us to meet at the cemetery once my kids were both in school today. When they were talking about going to see Kendall, I said sure, not thinking we could spend more than twenty minutes there. We stayed 2 hours! It was nice. Not a blue sky day, but perfect for watching balloons fly! We each wrote a note and sent it off together.
I didn't take pictures today. I purposely left my phone in the car to spend quality time instead. I read my balloon out loud with hesitation. I almost stopped and let them read it, but I had to force myself to feel. I can easily think things in my head, but to say things out loud is like it's really real. I wrote something about watching over us and that she would be holding her head up stronger, smiling and laughing if she were here. (Side note: I don't really think of her as a baby when thinking about her in heaven. More like a 3yo.)
Just a short time of tears within the 2 hours, the rest was nice. Just chatted and showed my friends the "new hangout spot" (the pond and the baby section that we didn't choose). Kristen was sad that she didn't get to write on a balloon, so we'll be doing that again soon for her.
And as for Big K on her birthday... we already had a joint birthday party for her and Drew, so she chose one friend to come to dinner tonight with. It happen to be the daughter of someone who helped give their time and skills to us for Kendall's announcements, before even knowing who we were. So it was a good time celebrate and say thanks to new friends!
Great Day!
<3 Love!
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