Dream

I feel like it's been forever since I really posted. It's going as well as it could be. Kendall is getting stronger in her kicks as the weeks progress. We need prayers for tomorrow, as we'll be having our first ultrasound since finding out about the anencephaly. I'm not getting my hopes up, but knowing God can do anything, wouldn't be awesome for a complete miracle!?

I had a dream this morning right as Kirk was waking me up. My dream was me in the hospital being preped for the O.R. and being wheeled to an ultrasound room right before surgery. As they wheeled me out of the prep room, the doctors were praying with Kirk. I got to the u/s room before Kirk and was already started. They asked if I was ready, and I said no. They told me that "he" (I've always thought Kendall was a boy, and when we found out she is a she, it still wasn't 100% in my book, as she kept her legs closed) might have a cone head, but no anencephaly! I started crying in my dream and thanking God, when Kirk came in... also when he (in real life) was waking me up. I woke up in a surreal moment with tears starting to form in my eyes; kind of wanting to go back to sleep and finish the dream. But it was time to get the kids up and out the door for school.

Some people have spoken to me, surprised that I haven't said, "Lord, why me?" 1) I feel like, if not me, then it would be someone else. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. 2) It's more like, "why this?" for me. Y'all will know my whole life's story by the time this is all over, but maybe God's been preparing me for this moment my whole life. I'm not surprised when odd things happen in my life anymore. I kind of roll my eyes and say, "here we go again."

Back in 2004 (I was 21yo), I started having migraines, my first sent me to the hospital for stroke like symptoms. That Summer was when Kirk and I were married. I was still in architecture school and ended up becoming my sorority president that Fall. Then Bells Palsy hit me. I woke one morning with half my face paralyzed. BP could only be about 8 weeks long or last your whole life. For me the worst was over in 8 weeks. You can still see one of my eyes droopy in pictures. It effected everything I did from talking, eating, sleeping with my eye taped shut. Up until now, I had always felt that if I could get through that, I could get through anything. I also had a random kidney infection in 2006. Worst physical pain I've ever felt.

Before Kristen was born in 2007, as a new mom to be, I would look up every possible outcome to how people have babies. I would have loved to have a baby naturally, but when she was late, I was induced. Plan B (c-section) kicked in hours later, when I wouldn't dilate. And "plan C" was literally called out in the O.R. as my epidural wasn't working and they had to put me under general anesthesia and send Kirk out of the room. Resulting in us not being able to see Kristen be born. I laugh now, b/c just a few appointments before having her I asked our doctor how likely it was of this exact scenario to happen. She told me not often and not to worry about it. But I've always known, that I'm that 1% that people don't worry about.

Now this. Which also makes me wonder what else is to come? I know I can't worry about the future and that God will help us through everything. But the question is always in my head, now more than ever.

So back to tomorrow. The first of a few more ultrasounds. I go into it wondering if God will show everyone a true complete miracle. How wonderful it would be to rejoice in that. To show non believers what how powerful He is. Then there is the other side, where nothing has changed, and non believers or skeptics prove in their head that there isn't a real God. I know God is real and he's in my life no matter the outcome. This event is just one for us to become closer to Him. To rely on Him in every situation, good or bad. And that's the choice we make in our hearts.

So not, "why me?". But "what are we to learn from this?" "How do we keep showing people that we have an awesome God?" and "Lord, keep us focused on you; and through you, we can overcome anything!"