Desperate Housewives

*This one might be a hard one to read, as it was hard to type*

Nice title to this post, I am not... but DH has been a show Kirk and I have watched together since day one of it coming on. This year is the last season and there might be about 3 shows left. We DVR the episodes and watch when we can. Last night's show we watched ended up being a hard one for me. One of the wives lost her husband to a drive by shooter. I made it through the scene with her picking out a casket. Then handing someone the suit in which her husband was going to be placed in. All the while she had this blank look on her face.

Then was a scene where she was silent, shrugging to people, with a blank stare on her face, curled up in a ball on her couch. I started to break down and told Kirk that I couldn't watch it and he turned it off for a few minutes. We did return to the show after I gained composure back. I told him that I'm scared of becoming that scene where I'm curled up somewhere, lifeless and blank. The rest of the show showed the funeral service and burial.

I've thought about what it's going to be like after Kendall's born and passed. I'm sure on the outside, I'll try to be the person I usually am... happy/smiling etc. But inside I'm going to be crushed. The word crushed doesn't even feel like it works... beaten down, stomped on, kicked around like I was just beat up on the side of the road and left there. I might need that time to curl up somewhere.

I Googled "angry with God" yesterday. Just to see what popped up from the Bible. I don't know if I feel "angry" with Him really, just hurt in general. It's like my relationship with my husband. I might get mad at him from time to time, but it hurts even more to be mad at someone you love so much. And you don't want to be mad. Not saying there won't be trials of this life, but you read that God, like a parent, wants to give His children everything they want. I've wanted to be a mom since 2 years before Kristen was born. That's when I started journaling to my kids,  just to get those feelings down on paper before we were really ready to have kids.

Yes, I've been blessed with two healthy, wonderful, beautiful kids so far and I am a mom. But those feelings for a child aren't just for Kristen and Drew, they were for any and all children we would have. We've said that if Kendall was our first child that things might be harder, but in another easier. Harder b/c I'd feel like God was taking away something I'd always wanted to be, but easier b/c I wouldn't have known how much I was really missing out on yet. So yes, I'm still a mom, but I know how much love and fun and laughter that a child could bring to our lives and that might hurt even more.

I've let myself cry a little more lately. Mainly right before bed. Can't sob in front of the kids. But then I fight it off. One b/c I realize that I still have Kendall here and the other end I don't like to cry, who does?

I can't think of a way to end this post on a good note, sorry. But thank you for reading if you really got through this whole thing.

Edit: I sent the kids away for the first time today to a friend's house. Need some time to get it all out so I can return to being "mom".