It's July!

(Just for my records in later reading... 106 was the record high yesterday)

The 3rd will be our 8th wedding anniversary, the 4th is always fun whether we're on vacation or with family, but the 5th this year was/is my official due date for Kendall. And now the 2nd, tomorrow, is my first appt back at the OB for my post op. evaluation. (Updated 7-2-12: I guess I should round out with the 6th being Kendall's one month birthday)

We were talking with another couple at church today about the unexpected things that could make us cry or think about Kendall. Kirk had a moment this past week, while watching a TV couple find out they were going to have a baby. Today I started to worry about walking back into my doctor's office, but I have to remember to "give it to God" and I can get through it.

I have been starting to type out more of the beginnings of Kendall's story, before finding out of her anencephaly. Kirk asked what I was working on last night and was surprised I actually said, "the book". Between starting this and getting finished with projects (I got the hand print tree and finger print tree framed with a couple other things, got pictures developed and put in a book and I'm still finishing up announcements and thank you cards) my free time has kept Kendall on my mind and my mind busy.

After starting to think too much about tomorrow, I decided on sitting down to type some more for the book to get my mind off of my appointment. I've typed out how Kirk and I met, just the main details, b/c that in itself could be a small book. Then went on to spot light Kristen and Drew's births, before getting to where I am now... Kendall.

And here came the flood gate for a few minutes. I opened up my journal/file that I started for Kendall when she was conceived. I have one for each of the kids. I've mentioned it before. Here's Kendall's before we found out. Afterwards, this blog became my journal.

October 27, 2011
To Baby #3:
Kristen is 4 now, Drew is 14 mo., and we’re not getting any younger, so YOU’RE ON THE WAY! I started a journal about a year before Kristen was thought about. It talks about how we were planning for a family and how excited we are for having kids. Drew’s journal started to slow down as life got more crazy. I started his before he was conceived but, yours started the week we found out you were coming! #3 will round out our beautiful family! I’ll have to journal a little more and keep up with everyone, for you to look back on how life was “a long time ago.” And for your back story so far… Daddy is 39 and wants to be done having kids before he hits 41, so that’s why the shorter age difference between you and Drew then there is between Drew and Kristen. Daddy will be 40 and I’ll be 29 next year when you’re born. And you took only 2 months to conceive. We’ve already been praying for you and thank Him everyday for you! God is GREAT! My first doctors appt. for you isn’t till Dec. 1, so don’t expect much till then. But we will be telling the family about you this weekend! YEA!! Oh, one more thing. Since we have a girl and boy, we think we won’t find out what you are till you’re born. We love you all the same!  XOXOX

January 5, 2012
Happy New Year and the year you will be born! So our first doctors appt wasn’t on Dec 1, b/c I ended up fainting at 6 weeks and going to the ER to make sure everything was okay. It was. They wanted me to see a cardiologist and my heart has a few extra beats, but not enough to be alarmed. And I went to the Women’s Center to get you checked out after the ER visit. Got my blood tested and they put me on progesterone supplement. I was at the low end of normal and it was a precaution. I had to take that till 12 weeks. And I am now going on 15 weeks! 6 more till the big U/S, which we do not plan on finding out what you are. Only b/c we have everything for a boy or girl and we feel prepared and will be excited for a surprise. But we’ll see if that happens.

I’m still going to the gym. I’ve gained about 8 pounds so far. Feeling good now that I’m in the 2nd trimester! But I formed rhinitis of pregnancy at Christmas time.

We think we have your name if you are a girl, but no name yet for a boy. Kendall Mackenzie…. I’m shooting for Kaleb?? We’ll see. We love you and are so busy with your sister and brother that the time is flying by.  Love you and praying for you everyday!
 
January 22, 2012
Dad likes Kolby…. Maybe? Starting to feel you this week (16wk)! Gained about 10lbs. Drew kissed my belly today!

Feb 14, 2012
Happy Valentine’s Day! 20+weeks. I’m starting to feel some bigger kicks. Thursday is our big ultrasound. 2 more days! LOVE you!

To re-experience where we were till two days before our lives were turned upside-down brings back a little of the painful moments. Who we'll never be again and what we would give the hit rewind and do it all differently.

But as much as it hurts to say it, I've said it before, we're better, newer people for God now... and that was His plan.

I didn't go back to write anymore for the book, as I jumped on here to write this post instead. 

I finished the last few pages of Choosing to SEE this afternoon. Brokenness is a word the stood out. And then the song Holiness. Minute 4:00 of the song.... Sang over and over through the years "Brokenness is what I long for, brokenness is what I need." Didn't know the magnitude of that word. "Brokenness is what You want from me."