Happy Easter

Thank you Kirk for letting me have this evening alone while you go to your parents.

Going into today I was feeling a little bitter. I wasn't sure how I was going to hold on today. I haven't cried too much in the past week. Spring Break, kids 24/7, keeping myself busy moving Drew to his "big boy room" and getting a sinus infection in my throat. I've started to tear here and there, but it wasn't a good time to let it all out. 

Easter: Jesus was sent here to die for our sins. [... died and rose on the third day, so we may be forgiven and spend our eternity in Heaven]

Thoughts in my head prior to this week: Mary was sent an Angel, where's my angel? Jesus knew he was sent to die, but he also had a hard time accepting this. But Jesus at least lived a life. I feel Mary and God's grief for His child, but God gets to see Jesus. Jesus got to return. There was a purpose. But everyone knew this purpose. What's Kendall's purpose? I want to be that woman in the Bible who touched Jesus' garment in the crowd and He turned to her to help her or Kendall to be the 12yo he brings back to life in the same passage. (Mark 5:21-43) "Don't be afraid; just believe (v.36)."

People have already said that Kendall's life/story, has already touched them, changed them, made them a stronger Christian. And I love hearing that. But my truly, my selfish side says, "Lord, is my child sent here to die just to help us (parents, family, friends, strangers) be closer to you?" As much as I know that I want to be closer to God, my heart screams, "I want my baby!" "I WANT MY BABY!"

I mentioned in the Desperate Housewives post that I had started journaling to my kids before Kristen was conceived. Today Pastor Bob's message started out with him telling a story on a duck laying eggs in his yard. This is my journal from July 12, 2006:

"We had a duck under our deck for the past month, who laid about 16 eggs. She has been sitting there and I cared for her when I could. It was so cute. The eggs hatched in the past 24 hours. Your dad (Kirk) got to stay home on vacation so he took a picture and sent it to me at work. I got so excited. I felt like a proud mamma and couldn’t wait to come home to see them. Well, once I got home, they were down at the lake and since then I haven’t been able to see them. I’m sad (understatement). I hope they come back. I feel like I lost something.  I have a longing for babies…. Of any type"

I did cry that night. I feel a little stupid for admitting that to the world. I had protected that duck and her babies from snakes getting her eggs, and gave her bread and water so she didn't have to go all the way to the lake away from her nest. We weren't ready to have kids yet, but we were getting close, and the longing for children was strong... so I almost felt connect to those babies.

I forget (and will look up once posted) how Pastor Bob was connecting that to today's message. But there was a point where he was saying that we will all experience death, eventually our own. He started out at a ripe age 80+ and went down to 5yo. Kendall will be lucky to have 5 hours....

Grief sucks. Sorry mom, I know you don't like that word, but there isn't a nicer one to use.

7 stages:

1) Shock and/or Denial- My shock lasted a good day before my "mom" mode kicked in to cope. Writing this blog helps me. Sometimes now that it's been 8 weeks, I think, "Is this a bad joke?"

2) Pain and Guilt- I'm not sure I have too much guilt, but I know the pain is strong and will last a lifetime. 

3) Anger and Bargaining- Anger, I've blogged about, and try to get over quickly. Bargaining seems to be creeping in. "Is there anything I can give!?"

4) Depression, Reflection and Loneliness- I hope not, sure- I know there will be more, and not too much yet. 

5) Upward Turn- after death

6) Working Through- after death

7) Acceptance and Hope- after death

I haven't lost her yet, but have already hit 4 of the 7... It may be "healing" but I don't like it. I think everyone knows me as, happy, easy going, go with the flow, make others smile, listen to other people's problems Stephanie. That's who I want to be, but that's not who I am right now. And that hurts in itself. I haven't had that much Bible time lately, as I've been doing a lot of reading for Kendall/hospital literature (excuses, I know). I feel like the grieving process and the pain is having a battle within my head of God and Satan. I don't want to feel pain, anger, completely scared of depression...

Done blogging what I had on my mind, going to spend time in the word to finish it off... First thing I turned to was Luke's account of the last moments of Jesus on Earth...

Luke 22:46 "...pray that you will not fall into temptation."

I need that prayer. Prayer for my hurt and pain not to turn to hatred. Or something else that Satan wants it to be, which is not me. 

I've almost come to acceptance that Kendall will die. Planning for the hospital and funeral. But I still pray and believe (Mark 5:36) that she can be healed. Probably the only hope that gives me strength for the next day.

We have our first 3D ultrasound this Thursday, to see how sever her head is. Pray 1) she's in a good spot to see. 2) That the impossible is possible.

Now that I've sat here a couple  few (3) hours writing this, crying, reading my Bible... time to do the house work that I told Kirk I would do while they were gone...

Update: July 19, 2012- These last three stages, looking back, did happen before Kendall was born. Maybe not a consistent climb up an “upward turn“, but think of it as a graph that goes up and down. “Working Through” is always and from when we found out. “Acceptance” came in two waves. 1) Surrender all to God. 2) After death. But that was easier than I‘d think. “Hope”… hope was for her to be healed. Then we lost her. I lost hope. I blog about this later. Hope was renewed in a different way.