Waiting

I'm not coming into this post with an agenda of what I'm going to type. And it will probably be short...

We're getting back to our "normal" selves. (Took the kids to the Circus, had fun.)  But this new normal isn't the same as before. The fear most parents have is the loss of a child. And now we are in waiting for that day that we fear. Most people who lose a child, probably lose them suddenly. Or maybe it is to illness, where they have come to know that child. Still hard. But how do you prepare to lose a child you haven't even met? A child you love so much already but you don't know their personality or characteristics? We still cling to God's miracles and pray for one, but we have to also prepare ourselves for what the world tells us will happen, so that the devastation isn't as hard later. So we don't feel anger towards God for not doing what we prayed for, in the way we wanted it to be.

So when most people are waiting for something, they ask for patience. But in those cases, they are waiting for something can't wait for, probably something exciting. We're waiting for something we don't want to happen. I haven't asked my friends who have lost a child at birth this yet, so this is a reminder to me. When that day comes, where we prepare for a c-section (my 3rd) and Kendall is still thriving inside me... how will give up that struggle inside me to want to keep her as long as I can verses saying, "ok, we're ready"? We won't be ready. And I know that the doctors will have a big say so in when they believe that time is. And obviously a pregnancy can't go on forever. But...??? It's not fair.

There aren't too many words from here to the next doctors appt. So I probably won't blog that often for a week or so. It's hard to answer, "how you doing?" We're in a "blah" state. In a waiting game that we don't want to play.