If you're new to our blogs, you might be in a similar situation as we were in. We welcome you to read and pray you find comfort in knowing you aren't alone.
If you have read through this blog and want to read more of how God is using our family, please visit:
cribbadoption.blogspot.com
or
www.thekendallkeepsakefoundation.blogspot.com
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Happy 1st Birthday Kendall!
We went into this week, not knowing 100% what we'd do for Kendall's birthday. I didn't want to go elaborate, but not too understated either. I wanted something just family, but exciting for the kids. I had been toying with the smash cake idea for a while, but wasn't sure how it would turn out. Without myself behind the camera, I also had to make sure my somewhat shy kids would smile. And not to be overly messy for my wonderfully semi-introverted husband. I wanted to just make sure everyone was going to be happy. AND WE WERE!
After taking pictures at the cemetery, we met up with my parents and Kirk's parents for lunch at O'Charly's and had a yummy lunch! We didn't have anything else planned the rest of the day, so we all hung out at the house.
Thinking back on the last 16 months is crazy. I have two mind sets. I think of Kendall 99% of the time with a smile on my face. But I can mentally switch it to the other side and think about the painful journey it took to get here.
https://www.facebook.com/TheKendallKeepsakeFoundation
Special K,
We love you baby girl! Always have and always will. You mean the world to us and so much more. We thank you for coming into our lives and helping change our hearts. The pain is temporary, but the greater love will last forever. We can't wait to hold you again. Until then, get as many horsey rides from Uncle Ric as possible. I'm jealous he has you up there, but he had the longest legs, so I know you two and the other babies are having fun!
Watch over us all, but give your daddy some more signs from Heaven every once in a while. Kristen talks about you often. Drew is the first to say "Hi Kendall" every time we pass the cemetery, while waving out the window.
I love you,
Mom
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
The Road Stretches Over the Horizon
There's been so much going on lately that I haven't been updating. A lot to process and a lot of things unfolding. And although I feel in my head, that everything is in sequence, I'm not sure where to start here, or how far to go back in previous post to show the connections in my head.
After the initial miscarriage with the twins, (quickly rehashed) I bled for 44 days, had two weeks off and now on a 12+ day "cycle". Last week my hCg level was still in the 50s, but I'm not worried about that, so it will eventually be down under 10. It isn't effecting much.
April's been a big month of change for our WHOLE family. But I'm going back a few months to explain what comes in April and how I've seen God work. Eventually I'll get back to our "baby life" and how it all relates.
Since Kendall's birthday, my sister Danielle found a new man (Stephen) and the relationship was moving quickly. He proposed after 4 months of long distance dating and the wedding was planed for April 5, just 4 months after the proposal. My initial reaction, with my eyes wide open, was that it wasn't the way I'd do things. But looking back, I see great things forming already.
During wedding planning, my in-laws were all planning an anniversary trip to Hawaii. My brother in law, Ric, and sister in law, Ashlee, were talking Kirk's parents for their 50th and their own 25th. Ashlee is a planner and very organized. The week that worked out for all of them to go together started April 2nd. Ashlee didn't realize at first that it would be during my sister's wedding that they'd be gone, till plans were already booked.
Keeping in sequence, we've been reading through Multiply at our church. And at some time in March, I felt God telling me that the 10 year anniversary trip Kirk and I plan to go back to Hawaii next year for, should be spent on a mission trip instead. "Well, God, knowing we've been looking forward to this trip for so long, I think it's best if you tell Kirk, before I do, just to make it clear."...was the conversation I had back. And I continued to pray about it or a few weeks...
Stephen was in town before the wedding for Easter (March 31) and got to meet the Cribb's at our house, before they left. It would be the last time all of us there would ever be together again. The four went to Hawaii the 2nd, and Danielle and Stephen got married the 5th. Another brother in law in the family. Short lived, I'm the only one that can say I gain a brother in law and lost a brother in law in a matter of time.
The four in Hawaii had a grand time and were in a taxi on the way to the airport there, to fly back, when Ric went into cardiac arrest. It was life threatening, as they were in Hawaii a week before flying him back to Georgia via air ambulance. To help Ashlee and get Kirk's parents back to GA, Kirk flew out to Hawaii a few days and help bring his parents back, while Ashlee rode with Ric. The night before Kirk left, I asked him if this would change our anniversary plans for next year. "Probably". And so my prayer changes to where we will go?
Surrounded by family, Ric passed away April 23. During these couple of weeks, my father was also going through medical testing to find some important issues, I won't go into here. And the Sunday before Ric passed, Ashlee's grandmother(94) passed as well.
Life is hard right now for everyone and I could only be pulled so many directions myself. The people who have been my support, need my support. So I focused on Kirk's side up until now, before wrapping my mind around my side, with my dad.
What does all this have to do with baby making? I'd always wanted three kids. Had them. I always felt that we'd have the twins. Had them, even for only 7 weeks. No one else has been in my thoughts. Although my "wants" included another kid running around here, I've kept praying that in time God would let me know when the time is that we're done. Or done for the time being. And for Kirk and I to be there at the same time. I think Kirk's been there, but wanted to give me what I wanted. Through all the unbelief of the things we've been going through, and God telling me over and over to live one day at a time, I know that I need to focus on the family we have here, right now. And pregnancy/infants and mission trips probably don't go well together.
So as hard as all of you know it is for me to say, there won't be any baby news in the near future. And if it is in the future, it will be completely in God's hands and in His timing. A few weeks ago, one of our pastors said to follow God is simple, yet very hard to do. God tells us things, like we tell our kids. As easy as it would be for Kristen to clean her room, she doesn't like to do it. But it would just make me happy if she would do it with out complaining. Not a hard task. God's leading me in a direction that is probably simple to Him, but not easy for me. And I can't see down the whole road. But one day we'll be able to look back and understand.
Be in prayer for the Cribb's and the Warner's. And let us have our eyes open to what God is showing us. Thank you!
After the initial miscarriage with the twins, (quickly rehashed) I bled for 44 days, had two weeks off and now on a 12+ day "cycle". Last week my hCg level was still in the 50s, but I'm not worried about that, so it will eventually be down under 10. It isn't effecting much.
April's been a big month of change for our WHOLE family. But I'm going back a few months to explain what comes in April and how I've seen God work. Eventually I'll get back to our "baby life" and how it all relates.
Since Kendall's birthday, my sister Danielle found a new man (Stephen) and the relationship was moving quickly. He proposed after 4 months of long distance dating and the wedding was planed for April 5, just 4 months after the proposal. My initial reaction, with my eyes wide open, was that it wasn't the way I'd do things. But looking back, I see great things forming already.
During wedding planning, my in-laws were all planning an anniversary trip to Hawaii. My brother in law, Ric, and sister in law, Ashlee, were talking Kirk's parents for their 50th and their own 25th. Ashlee is a planner and very organized. The week that worked out for all of them to go together started April 2nd. Ashlee didn't realize at first that it would be during my sister's wedding that they'd be gone, till plans were already booked.
Keeping in sequence, we've been reading through Multiply at our church. And at some time in March, I felt God telling me that the 10 year anniversary trip Kirk and I plan to go back to Hawaii next year for, should be spent on a mission trip instead. "Well, God, knowing we've been looking forward to this trip for so long, I think it's best if you tell Kirk, before I do, just to make it clear."...was the conversation I had back. And I continued to pray about it or a few weeks...
Stephen was in town before the wedding for Easter (March 31) and got to meet the Cribb's at our house, before they left. It would be the last time all of us there would ever be together again. The four went to Hawaii the 2nd, and Danielle and Stephen got married the 5th. Another brother in law in the family. Short lived, I'm the only one that can say I gain a brother in law and lost a brother in law in a matter of time.
The four in Hawaii had a grand time and were in a taxi on the way to the airport there, to fly back, when Ric went into cardiac arrest. It was life threatening, as they were in Hawaii a week before flying him back to Georgia via air ambulance. To help Ashlee and get Kirk's parents back to GA, Kirk flew out to Hawaii a few days and help bring his parents back, while Ashlee rode with Ric. The night before Kirk left, I asked him if this would change our anniversary plans for next year. "Probably". And so my prayer changes to where we will go?
Surrounded by family, Ric passed away April 23. During these couple of weeks, my father was also going through medical testing to find some important issues, I won't go into here. And the Sunday before Ric passed, Ashlee's grandmother(94) passed as well.
Life is hard right now for everyone and I could only be pulled so many directions myself. The people who have been my support, need my support. So I focused on Kirk's side up until now, before wrapping my mind around my side, with my dad.
What does all this have to do with baby making? I'd always wanted three kids. Had them. I always felt that we'd have the twins. Had them, even for only 7 weeks. No one else has been in my thoughts. Although my "wants" included another kid running around here, I've kept praying that in time God would let me know when the time is that we're done. Or done for the time being. And for Kirk and I to be there at the same time. I think Kirk's been there, but wanted to give me what I wanted. Through all the unbelief of the things we've been going through, and God telling me over and over to live one day at a time, I know that I need to focus on the family we have here, right now. And pregnancy/infants and mission trips probably don't go well together.
So as hard as all of you know it is for me to say, there won't be any baby news in the near future. And if it is in the future, it will be completely in God's hands and in His timing. A few weeks ago, one of our pastors said to follow God is simple, yet very hard to do. God tells us things, like we tell our kids. As easy as it would be for Kristen to clean her room, she doesn't like to do it. But it would just make me happy if she would do it with out complaining. Not a hard task. God's leading me in a direction that is probably simple to Him, but not easy for me. And I can't see down the whole road. But one day we'll be able to look back and understand.
Be in prayer for the Cribb's and the Warner's. And let us have our eyes open to what God is showing us. Thank you!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The Kendall Keepsake Foundation Update
I haven't done a Foundation update on the blog recently. I know many of you are on Facebook and keep up, but some are just connected here.
We received our 501(c)3 papers and are OFFICIAL!
Anyone can donate on our website at www.kendallkeepsake.org
We also have a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/thekendallkeepsakefoundation
The beginnings of our donations will go to help with printing brochures, other advertising, future events. Thank you everyone for helping us out!
We received our 501(c)3 papers and are OFFICIAL!
Anyone can donate on our website at www.kendallkeepsake.org
We also have a Facebook page at www.facebook.com/thekendallkeepsakefoundation
The beginnings of our donations will go to help with printing brochures, other advertising, future events. Thank you everyone for helping us out!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Psalm 143
A psalm of David.
1 Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
like those long dead.
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.[a]
7 Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
9 Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Doctor/Ultrasound update
Nothing to really start this post with except the facts:
1) Uterus was empty except for blood- I felt relieved when I heard this. I felt that with the hCg numbers not going down meant that there had to be something there and I was bracing myself for extra medicine or another procedure. So I was happy to have everything happen naturally and not have to be having a "next step" before getting some closure.
2) All other womanly parts looked good and healthy... Nurse W said "beautiful".
3) Asked if we should be starting to talk about further testing, genetics. Dr. G said that most of the things they tests for, we can already rule out because we have had two healthy children, and carried three full term babies. One example: They would tests for something wrong in the uterine wall that wouldn't allow me to carry a baby... but we know I can.
4) I took blood again today, and will probably one more time next week, just to keep an eye on those numbers that should be coming down. I'm not as worried about those anymore, not that we have seen an u/s.
5) Predicted another week of bleeding, yippy.
6) If we decide we're ready, then we can try again after the second cycle shows up. The first would be just to make sure the uterine wall gets thick again.
Sorry if there are guys reading this. I never intended this blog to be so specific in the womanly areas, but if it helps someone else through this process, then there is a purpose for it. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'm not regretful for everything in the public. You all are part of our lifeline. Thank you.
1) Uterus was empty except for blood- I felt relieved when I heard this. I felt that with the hCg numbers not going down meant that there had to be something there and I was bracing myself for extra medicine or another procedure. So I was happy to have everything happen naturally and not have to be having a "next step" before getting some closure.
2) All other womanly parts looked good and healthy... Nurse W said "beautiful".
3) Asked if we should be starting to talk about further testing, genetics. Dr. G said that most of the things they tests for, we can already rule out because we have had two healthy children, and carried three full term babies. One example: They would tests for something wrong in the uterine wall that wouldn't allow me to carry a baby... but we know I can.
4) I took blood again today, and will probably one more time next week, just to keep an eye on those numbers that should be coming down. I'm not as worried about those anymore, not that we have seen an u/s.
5) Predicted another week of bleeding, yippy.
6) If we decide we're ready, then we can try again after the second cycle shows up. The first would be just to make sure the uterine wall gets thick again.
Sorry if there are guys reading this. I never intended this blog to be so specific in the womanly areas, but if it helps someone else through this process, then there is a purpose for it. I wish it wasn't like that, but I'm not regretful for everything in the public. You all are part of our lifeline. Thank you.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Trust in the Lord with all your heart...
Proverbs 3:5
As I said in a post, I try to keep my post on a positive note, you don't get to probably really read it ALL.. even though you knew I was really frustrated the last two. Either I've said it here and/or on the prayer page on FB... before finding out "everything" that's going on, I've said, "I feel like God's telling me that's everything is going to be okay". And then I was being encouraged that I really was hearing him, knowing it was twins. "A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years" But as I typed that I knew not everything was "okay". So as one thing becomes clear, another becomes foggy. And I know "okay" could be in the long run and not right now.
Since my last post, things haven't been straight forward, pertaining to this "miscarriage". I put EVERYTHING in quotations earlier, but I haven't found out everything yet. Last week, my blood work showed my numbers slightly going up. But not as much as they should. So, I did it once more this week before my u/s I have scheduled for tomorrow. And again, up a little.
I called the nurse for results this time. I was under the impression that she might not call me and leave it for the doctor tomorrow. This time, to ease my wondering positive mind, I asked if there was any chance of me still being pregnant. She looked over the doctor's notes and said "from the info we have and the bleeding, it doesn't look good", but still wasn't going to be confident to say one way or the other, if she was able to.
I have a friend who miscarried a few months ago, that said her baby stopped growing but her numbers continued to climb. The body does crazy things.
Today my phone or FB decided to act up and in a comment box this morning it had an old message I had written, but it wasn't the last thing I wrote. It said, "I'm here." And I accidentally sent it, as I had just woken up and my phone was being slow. It was in an anencephaly group, and someone had mentioned maybe it was a way that Kendall was saying "hi". I thought that was cute, but knew "smart phones" aren't always smart. Then it happened again this afternoon. Same message. And I look up to my art project on my wall... (picture).
My heart wants to believe with all of it, that everything is "okay" and God is saying "I'm here." All things are possible!!! Believe! But my mind knows the logic. My mom asked "what's going on" and I said I couldn't tell her 100%. I've been avoiding being positive, or "fulling trusting" to avoid the heart break that comes when things don't go my way. But is it "my way"? Should I trust and say that "yes, it is a possibility that I'm still pregnant"??
Lord, I know you're here. You always have been and always will be. I didn't feel like you were telling me that Kendall could defy the odds, so I didn't really feel it deep down that she would be healed for that miracle, although I wanted it. But my heart is trying to tell me something different this time. And I know I'm trying to fight it, so I don't get let down. We all wonder if we could truly trust enough to step out onto the water....
As I pray and I type, I was about to type... "But they SAW you there."
My story isn't over. And I didn't know I was going to type this. Coming home on Sunday night, I saw Jesus' face in a lit tree, while Kirk drove down the road. I told him about it, but we drove on.
....I saw you there.
You can obviously read that there's a ping pong match going through my head. And tomorrow should be the day all this madness comes to a rest. My ultrasound is at 12:30pm.
I didn't go into this post knowing what I was going to type. Most of my post are whatever comes into my head at that time. This is me. And I as a reader I'd would be saying "she's going crazy". Welcome to the past two weeks for me. We'll see tomorrow where God wants to take this.
ADDED: We went back to the tree, and Kirk saw the face as well. I haven't been able to take great pictures, and the ones I took got erased from my phone.
As I said in a post, I try to keep my post on a positive note, you don't get to probably really read it ALL.. even though you knew I was really frustrated the last two. Either I've said it here and/or on the prayer page on FB... before finding out "everything" that's going on, I've said, "I feel like God's telling me that's everything is going to be okay". And then I was being encouraged that I really was hearing him, knowing it was twins. "A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years" But as I typed that I knew not everything was "okay". So as one thing becomes clear, another becomes foggy. And I know "okay" could be in the long run and not right now.
Since my last post, things haven't been straight forward, pertaining to this "miscarriage". I put EVERYTHING in quotations earlier, but I haven't found out everything yet. Last week, my blood work showed my numbers slightly going up. But not as much as they should. So, I did it once more this week before my u/s I have scheduled for tomorrow. And again, up a little.
I called the nurse for results this time. I was under the impression that she might not call me and leave it for the doctor tomorrow. This time, to ease my wondering positive mind, I asked if there was any chance of me still being pregnant. She looked over the doctor's notes and said "from the info we have and the bleeding, it doesn't look good", but still wasn't going to be confident to say one way or the other, if she was able to.
I have a friend who miscarried a few months ago, that said her baby stopped growing but her numbers continued to climb. The body does crazy things.
Today my phone or FB decided to act up and in a comment box this morning it had an old message I had written, but it wasn't the last thing I wrote. It said, "I'm here." And I accidentally sent it, as I had just woken up and my phone was being slow. It was in an anencephaly group, and someone had mentioned maybe it was a way that Kendall was saying "hi". I thought that was cute, but knew "smart phones" aren't always smart. Then it happened again this afternoon. Same message. And I look up to my art project on my wall... (picture).
My heart wants to believe with all of it, that everything is "okay" and God is saying "I'm here." All things are possible!!! Believe! But my mind knows the logic. My mom asked "what's going on" and I said I couldn't tell her 100%. I've been avoiding being positive, or "fulling trusting" to avoid the heart break that comes when things don't go my way. But is it "my way"? Should I trust and say that "yes, it is a possibility that I'm still pregnant"??
Lord, I know you're here. You always have been and always will be. I didn't feel like you were telling me that Kendall could defy the odds, so I didn't really feel it deep down that she would be healed for that miracle, although I wanted it. But my heart is trying to tell me something different this time. And I know I'm trying to fight it, so I don't get let down. We all wonder if we could truly trust enough to step out onto the water....
As I pray and I type, I was about to type... "But they SAW you there."
My story isn't over. And I didn't know I was going to type this. Coming home on Sunday night, I saw Jesus' face in a lit tree, while Kirk drove down the road. I told him about it, but we drove on.
....I saw you there.
You can obviously read that there's a ping pong match going through my head. And tomorrow should be the day all this madness comes to a rest. My ultrasound is at 12:30pm.
I didn't go into this post knowing what I was going to type. Most of my post are whatever comes into my head at that time. This is me. And I as a reader I'd would be saying "she's going crazy". Welcome to the past two weeks for me. We'll see tomorrow where God wants to take this.
ADDED: We went back to the tree, and Kirk saw the face as well. I haven't been able to take great pictures, and the ones I took got erased from my phone.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Where do we go next?
After some sleep, the feeling of punching a wall or shattering something went away, but the heavy heart remains. I said I was calmer and not as upset, but Kirk said otherwise. And it doesn't mean the hurt is any less.
I've been waiting 7+ years for these two babies. If I didn't have an early u/s last week, I wouldn't have ever known it was twins. Not that I've been in this situation, but I feel like it would be if you were waiting on an adoption for a long time, then the time came to get your baby, and something happened where it wasn't possible. Even if they weren't here long, my heart is torn. I had already started a journal for [them] too. I was getting my "happy place"/good attitude back, and now I'm back to square one.
I mentioned all the questions in our heads. They aren't all questions to God, although thoses are there without answers. Others have to do with our unknown future. Kirk and I had to both get to "a place" together after Kendall, where we'd be ready try again. And we went into this pregnancy with a fearlessness that we've gotten pregnant three times and carried them all to term, with no miscarriages, it will happen again. Now we have a new "fear". So it's like one step forward and five steps back.
Will we both want to try again?
If so, will we be ready at the same time?
How many times will be let ourselves be "let down" before deciding we're done or that we've been through too much?
Will I want to go in before 8 weeks next time? (besides for blood work)
I took blood again today to watch the numbers go down. We haven't asked how long the doctor wants us to wait till trying again. A friend is going through a similar issue and they told her 3 months.And I'll probably be asking about genetic testing.
I wish I could swallow what I said before and say that I would tell the next time for the prayers. But I now know that fear that women have that they don't tell. And they go through it "alone". I wouldn't want the kids to deal with it either. Kristen was a little in denial, believing a baby was still in there.
My comment stands about other's comments. Not that anyone has said this recently, but I didn't want people to say;
"You're young, you have time." Kirk doesn't feel this way, we're 11 years apart.
"The guy has all the time in the world." No, it's a decision we make together and his feelings count as much as mine.
"I had # miscarriages, blah blah blah". But most likely didn't hold your your baby in your arms and watch them go to heaven before that. It makes a difference. But I don't discount your own losses. I won't ever know what it's like to have a miscarriage before Kendall, but I know it's not the same.
I know most of you wouldn't say these things, but sometimes they creep in, and I'll ignore them. But I emotions can't take that risk right now. I don't have the energy to be upset with someone else. And you know how you notice all the pregnant people around you only when you're pregnant. I have that on top of seeing or hearing about twins everywhere now.
A lot running through my head again. If I look "spacey", you'll know why. Thank you for all your continued prayers.
I've been waiting 7+ years for these two babies. If I didn't have an early u/s last week, I wouldn't have ever known it was twins. Not that I've been in this situation, but I feel like it would be if you were waiting on an adoption for a long time, then the time came to get your baby, and something happened where it wasn't possible. Even if they weren't here long, my heart is torn. I had already started a journal for [them] too. I was getting my "happy place"/good attitude back, and now I'm back to square one.
I mentioned all the questions in our heads. They aren't all questions to God, although thoses are there without answers. Others have to do with our unknown future. Kirk and I had to both get to "a place" together after Kendall, where we'd be ready try again. And we went into this pregnancy with a fearlessness that we've gotten pregnant three times and carried them all to term, with no miscarriages, it will happen again. Now we have a new "fear". So it's like one step forward and five steps back.
Will we both want to try again?
If so, will we be ready at the same time?
How many times will be let ourselves be "let down" before deciding we're done or that we've been through too much?
Will I want to go in before 8 weeks next time? (besides for blood work)
I took blood again today to watch the numbers go down. We haven't asked how long the doctor wants us to wait till trying again. A friend is going through a similar issue and they told her 3 months.And I'll probably be asking about genetic testing.
I wish I could swallow what I said before and say that I would tell the next time for the prayers. But I now know that fear that women have that they don't tell. And they go through it "alone". I wouldn't want the kids to deal with it either. Kristen was a little in denial, believing a baby was still in there.
My comment stands about other's comments. Not that anyone has said this recently, but I didn't want people to say;
"You're young, you have time." Kirk doesn't feel this way, we're 11 years apart.
"The guy has all the time in the world." No, it's a decision we make together and his feelings count as much as mine.
"I had # miscarriages, blah blah blah". But most likely didn't hold your your baby in your arms and watch them go to heaven before that. It makes a difference. But I don't discount your own losses. I won't ever know what it's like to have a miscarriage before Kendall, but I know it's not the same.
I know most of you wouldn't say these things, but sometimes they creep in, and I'll ignore them. But I emotions can't take that risk right now. I don't have the energy to be upset with someone else. And you know how you notice all the pregnant people around you only when you're pregnant. I have that on top of seeing or hearing about twins everywhere now.
A lot running through my head again. If I look "spacey", you'll know why. Thank you for all your continued prayers.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
3 Babies Waiting in Heaven
The roller coaster isn't over... Since everything else has been public, and I know everyone cares for us and are praying... this has to be public as well...
Last week I knew I was having two, Thursday one, and today none. (You read that right.)
Leaving the appt on Thursday, Kirk and I felt like the doctor wasn't being too positive. I tried to make my post positive, as there was still hope for one. But Then Friday my spotting was heavier, and I called the nurse. She wanted me to monitor myself over the weekend. On Monday I had blood work and Tuesday she called with the results that my numbers were down.
Since we had the weekend to mull it over, we're not in shock. I haven't had any physical pain. With all the questions in our head, I think I feel mad more than anything else. But there isn't anything to do about it. I was happy to start trying in January, finally coming out of a funk about living in the past/present of Kendall, looking forward to something in the future to be happy about.... only to be shot down again on the same weekend as last year.
Feel free to say "sorry", but I'm not really up for any "positive" thoughts right now, when we aren't sure about our futures.That's my nice way of saying keep your comments short or to yourself. I was already hurt by a certain comment this weekend. Thank you.
Ps- don't worry if you think you might have said something. The person doesn't read this.
Update- (2/20) after some sleep, I'm of clearer mind and not as bitter or upset. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
Last week I knew I was having two, Thursday one, and today none. (You read that right.)
Leaving the appt on Thursday, Kirk and I felt like the doctor wasn't being too positive. I tried to make my post positive, as there was still hope for one. But Then Friday my spotting was heavier, and I called the nurse. She wanted me to monitor myself over the weekend. On Monday I had blood work and Tuesday she called with the results that my numbers were down.
Since we had the weekend to mull it over, we're not in shock. I haven't had any physical pain. With all the questions in our head, I think I feel mad more than anything else. But there isn't anything to do about it. I was happy to start trying in January, finally coming out of a funk about living in the past/present of Kendall, looking forward to something in the future to be happy about.... only to be shot down again on the same weekend as last year.
Feel free to say "sorry", but I'm not really up for any "positive" thoughts right now, when we aren't sure about our futures.That's my nice way of saying keep your comments short or to yourself. I was already hurt by a certain comment this weekend. Thank you.
Ps- don't worry if you think you might have said something. The person doesn't read this.
Update- (2/20) after some sleep, I'm of clearer mind and not as bitter or upset. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Baby Update 6+ Weeks
Went to the doctor.... I went into this week thinking I'd be excited, till yesterday when I started a little spotting. But to put everyone's nerves away, everything looks fine.
I'm still happy and excited, but also a little bummed. If you remember THIS blog post I mentioned twins... I had a good feeling about this pregnancy really being twins. I was hoping to be able to tease about having another big secret and getting more 'likes' on our foundation page....
So- **news**
1) Everything looks good one the spotting issue.
2)There ARE two sacs!!
3) BUT One looked under developed...
So- mixed emotions again. Since it is still early, we didn't get any pictures b/c the baby isn't big enough to be called a "peanut" yet. We have another appt and u/s in two weeks. We'll be able to see the heartbeat then. Not sure whether or not to say pray for "baby/sac B". But we will be able to see it better in two weeks.
A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years.
I'm still happy and excited, but also a little bummed. If you remember THIS blog post I mentioned twins... I had a good feeling about this pregnancy really being twins. I was hoping to be able to tease about having another big secret and getting more 'likes' on our foundation page....
So- **news**
1) Everything looks good one the spotting issue.
2)There ARE two sacs!!
3) BUT One looked under developed...
So- mixed emotions again. Since it is still early, we didn't get any pictures b/c the baby isn't big enough to be called a "peanut" yet. We have another appt and u/s in two weeks. We'll be able to see the heartbeat then. Not sure whether or not to say pray for "baby/sac B". But we will be able to see it better in two weeks.
A great spiritual feeling to know and trust when I'm hearing from God, even when things don't happen for 7 years.
Monday, February 11, 2013
There are no words.
You read the title and then I type lots of words to describe "no words". There just aren't any words deep enough to describe this week. I haven't cried in a while, but I knew it would soon come. I've started to cry, pregnancy hormones probably, more than grief (juggling act), but I've stopped myself b/c I like to know what I'm crying about. But everything can't be summed up in a word or even a sentence or thought.
I made Kirk's Valentine card today. (Sorry babe, you have a few more days to read it.) Valentine's was nothing more than a Hallmark holiday to us really. Kirk and I have birthdays a week apart and for both of these events we've been know to go to the store together, pick out a card for each other, let the other read it, and put it back on the shelf.
February 15, 2003- Ten years ago from Friday, Kirk proposed.
February 15, 2012- The first time I heard about anencephaly on TLC's A Baby Story.
February 16, 2012- Found out Kendall had anencephaly. Which was a Thursday.
February 14, 2013- We get to see our next/fourth baby for the first time. Thursday.
February 16, 2013- a year passed the worst day of my life, that will replay every year to come.
My mind can't decide between being happy or sad. And as you read, and as I think, I'd scream, BE HAPPY! But it isn't that easy. And happy verses sad, isn't really what it's all about. It's really about love. A love so deep that has no words. A love to be happy for, and a love that is ripped away.
The last thing I wrote to Kirk was just a simple "thank you" for being with me through it all. And the same goes to our God. He doesn't promise this world to be happy all the time, but He does promise to be with us every step of the way.
Happier post on Thursday.
I made Kirk's Valentine card today. (Sorry babe, you have a few more days to read it.) Valentine's was nothing more than a Hallmark holiday to us really. Kirk and I have birthdays a week apart and for both of these events we've been know to go to the store together, pick out a card for each other, let the other read it, and put it back on the shelf.
February 15, 2003- Ten years ago from Friday, Kirk proposed.
February 15, 2012- The first time I heard about anencephaly on TLC's A Baby Story.
February 16, 2012- Found out Kendall had anencephaly. Which was a Thursday.
February 14, 2013- We get to see our next/fourth baby for the first time. Thursday.
February 16, 2013- a year passed the worst day of my life, that will replay every year to come.
My mind can't decide between being happy or sad. And as you read, and as I think, I'd scream, BE HAPPY! But it isn't that easy. And happy verses sad, isn't really what it's all about. It's really about love. A love so deep that has no words. A love to be happy for, and a love that is ripped away.
The last thing I wrote to Kirk was just a simple "thank you" for being with me through it all. And the same goes to our God. He doesn't promise this world to be happy all the time, but He does promise to be with us every step of the way.
Happier post on Thursday.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Kendall is a BIG SISTER!!
News is out, and I'm sure God let Kendall be the first to know that she will be a big sister! I stated in a previous post that I wasn't sure if looking at a pregnancy test would ever be the same... it's still awesome! Dr. G said to wait 6+ months and we did. But once you have three kids, the science behind having a kid is easy and this one only took one try. Baby #4 will be born late September!
We are only 4 weeks along. Some people say, "Oh my gosh, that's early to be telling people." People are scared that something may happen (miscarriage, etc) but that's the exact reason I'm not afraid to tell people. There's nothing to hide, and why not have the prayers during the "unknown" time?
We are pretty excited. I'd say I'm 95% excited, 5% scared. I feel like the Lord's told me that everything will be okay. That we've been faithful through the last year and we are where He wants/asked us to be. But I can't say for sure if the roller coaster is completely over yet. But I can say that God is in control, and we're confident that we will walk in His path.
The kids were at my parent's house over night, the morning that we found out (Sunday, January 27, 2013). We went to church, then to my parents to tell them, and over to Kirk's parents to tell them. And we called some others.
It was nice to feel some hugs of joy from friends at church! Some in particular made me cry, because I knew they genuinely care about it and were as excited as we are. The love God has shown us through this past year continues.
Now, we said we thought Kendall would be our last, before we found out the devastating news... and some had said "at least you have two others" (not close friends)... So baby #4 (or if you recall from a previous post that it could be #4 and #5...) will never be a replacement for Kendall. Kendall is a part of our family, was a real human being and has a HUGE place in our hearts. She will never be replaced. But our hearts want three rascals running around this house. We have one more room to fill.and this opportunity is a blessing. One I never thought I'd have. To say I have 4 kids! To have the love expanded again. My dream was to be a mom... and I can't wait to do it again!
WHISPER: But it also secretly makes me wish I was the Duggers and could keep going and have more! I'll be done at 4 c-sections.
The kids- Drew is still little, but he gets that the baby is in my tummy... after some convincing that HE wasn't the baby. Since he doesn't know that we can bring babies home... we're not sure if he "gets" it, that WE'RE BRINGING THIS BABY HOME, and he isn't the baby that he might think he is. Kristen is excited and hoping this time for a boy. She's a numbers girl. There are 3 girls and 2 boys in this family and we must even that number out. Also, she has a brother and a sister and she realized that Drew only has two sisters and needs a brother as well. THEN we also have an AB pattern... girl, boy, girl, BOY? My one prayer request for her, is that she leaves the worrying to the adults. She has told us a couple times within the last 24 hours, "I want to bring this baby home." We've been positive, without giving too much false hope. Reminding her to keep praying. It's hard to hear her say that. But she has already given the new baby a few BIG HUGS today. I told her "thank you" for a hug and she said, "that was for the baby". LOL.
I called my doctor's nurse to schedule an appt today, but she didn't call me back, so I'll talk to them tomorrow, I'm sure. I'll have more to update and many u/s pictures to come!
Thank you everyone for your prayers and helping us get passed 300 likes on our Foundation Page. In Foundation news, we also found out today that the IRS has received our paper work and that they will be looking it over and getting back to us soon! I also had the chance to do another nurse's training this week. Helping nurses train for situations unknown and exposing them to families with losses.
*HAPPY DANCE* First one in a long while. Another reason for another baby, healing the heart.
*Love you Atlanta! Good night!* (Like an end of a concert, Geddy Lee's voice from RUSH)
EDIT- I went in for blood work and will be in soon for a regular appt.
We are only 4 weeks along. Some people say, "Oh my gosh, that's early to be telling people." People are scared that something may happen (miscarriage, etc) but that's the exact reason I'm not afraid to tell people. There's nothing to hide, and why not have the prayers during the "unknown" time?
We are pretty excited. I'd say I'm 95% excited, 5% scared. I feel like the Lord's told me that everything will be okay. That we've been faithful through the last year and we are where He wants/asked us to be. But I can't say for sure if the roller coaster is completely over yet. But I can say that God is in control, and we're confident that we will walk in His path.
The kids were at my parent's house over night, the morning that we found out (Sunday, January 27, 2013). We went to church, then to my parents to tell them, and over to Kirk's parents to tell them. And we called some others.
It was nice to feel some hugs of joy from friends at church! Some in particular made me cry, because I knew they genuinely care about it and were as excited as we are. The love God has shown us through this past year continues.
Now, we said we thought Kendall would be our last, before we found out the devastating news... and some had said "at least you have two others" (not close friends)... So baby #4 (or if you recall from a previous post that it could be #4 and #5...) will never be a replacement for Kendall. Kendall is a part of our family, was a real human being and has a HUGE place in our hearts. She will never be replaced. But our hearts want three rascals running around this house. We have one more room to fill.and this opportunity is a blessing. One I never thought I'd have. To say I have 4 kids! To have the love expanded again. My dream was to be a mom... and I can't wait to do it again!
WHISPER: But it also secretly makes me wish I was the Duggers and could keep going and have more! I'll be done at 4 c-sections.
The kids- Drew is still little, but he gets that the baby is in my tummy... after some convincing that HE wasn't the baby. Since he doesn't know that we can bring babies home... we're not sure if he "gets" it, that WE'RE BRINGING THIS BABY HOME, and he isn't the baby that he might think he is. Kristen is excited and hoping this time for a boy. She's a numbers girl. There are 3 girls and 2 boys in this family and we must even that number out. Also, she has a brother and a sister and she realized that Drew only has two sisters and needs a brother as well. THEN we also have an AB pattern... girl, boy, girl, BOY? My one prayer request for her, is that she leaves the worrying to the adults. She has told us a couple times within the last 24 hours, "I want to bring this baby home." We've been positive, without giving too much false hope. Reminding her to keep praying. It's hard to hear her say that. But she has already given the new baby a few BIG HUGS today. I told her "thank you" for a hug and she said, "that was for the baby". LOL.
I called my doctor's nurse to schedule an appt today, but she didn't call me back, so I'll talk to them tomorrow, I'm sure. I'll have more to update and many u/s pictures to come!
Thank you everyone for your prayers and helping us get passed 300 likes on our Foundation Page. In Foundation news, we also found out today that the IRS has received our paper work and that they will be looking it over and getting back to us soon! I also had the chance to do another nurse's training this week. Helping nurses train for situations unknown and exposing them to families with losses.
*HAPPY DANCE* First one in a long while. Another reason for another baby, healing the heart.
*Love you Atlanta! Good night!* (Like an end of a concert, Geddy Lee's voice from RUSH)
EDIT- I went in for blood work and will be in soon for a regular appt.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
What's in a name?
Kristen was asking about names and why we named her Kristen, then remembered that we had a baby name book and got it out. We picked out a boy and girl name before knew Kendall would be a girl. We stuck with the K names and didn't think much about a meaning. A lot of people, after finding out about a fatal diagnosis use a name that has a deeper meaning. We just liked Kendall, in the beginning, and stuck with it. We weren't even going to find out which sex till the birth if she was healthy.
So we pulled out the baby name book again today and turned to Kendall, after finding Kristen and Kyle (Drew). First time in over a year...
And yes, her name is perfect for her. Some things still amaze me.
So we pulled out the baby name book again today and turned to Kendall, after finding Kristen and Kyle (Drew). First time in over a year...
And yes, her name is perfect for her. Some things still amaze me.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The After Math
Written for other moms that have loss a baby...
No one journey is the same. We can grieve together but no one will ever know each other's exact pain. Mothers of similar losses can chat and have similarities, but still wonder what to say to each other. Even for people who are able to talk about "it", no one could completely understand from one journey to another.
I thankfully haven't dealt with depression, but know some who is from a loss of a child. And as I have said in the past to her, that I was thinking and praying for her, I truly will never know her journey. But I'm thankful to know that she has a relationship with the Lord. He will keep fighting for her.
Today, in the land of online FB support groups, I found out that an anencephaly mom couldn't fight off her depression after about a month in a half after her baby went to Heaven. Something probably stronger than postpartum. She was starting to seek help, as she had spoken about it. At that time, I wasn't actively reading the comments on the board. She leaves behind a husband and son. And after word got around, many questions started to some out.
Are our babies in Heaven? What happens on "the other side"? Why she couldn't fight harder? If believers could give an answer to whether this mom was in Heaven? Was suicide a sin?
People are seeking.What does this life mean? Why are we here? Where do we go after we die? People are seeking answers. And some people are giving answers, but are they right? Who is right? Some answers lead the wrong direction.
Maybe we aren't supposed to have all the answers.
The one and only answer we need is God/Jesus Christ.
To have the faith that He will overcome anything and everything that is put before us. He is seeking a relationship with you.
I blog about having faith here. Another great book to read other than the Bible, is One Heartbeat Away. Which you can get free on this website, scroll down to the bottom to find the book. Another great resource is GospelWay.com
I didn't go to Theology school and don't claim to have all the answers, and I do seek some answers as well, but I do so in the Bible. And as our babies have a purpose for their short lives, so we have a purpose for ours.
This would be a good time to go to the SONGS link on right column. And let God lead you as your listen.
I leave you with some scripture...
Job 1
God given strength in the depths of depression:
1 Corinthians 10:13 - God is faithful, who will not allow you to be
tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make
the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. God absolutely
promises that there is no such thing as a problem in this life that is
beyond our ability to endure.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
James 5:10,11 - When we are suffering, we need to remember the example of men of God who suffered: Jesus, Paul, especially Job.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
No one journey is the same. We can grieve together but no one will ever know each other's exact pain. Mothers of similar losses can chat and have similarities, but still wonder what to say to each other. Even for people who are able to talk about "it", no one could completely understand from one journey to another.
I thankfully haven't dealt with depression, but know some who is from a loss of a child. And as I have said in the past to her, that I was thinking and praying for her, I truly will never know her journey. But I'm thankful to know that she has a relationship with the Lord. He will keep fighting for her.
Today, in the land of online FB support groups, I found out that an anencephaly mom couldn't fight off her depression after about a month in a half after her baby went to Heaven. Something probably stronger than postpartum. She was starting to seek help, as she had spoken about it. At that time, I wasn't actively reading the comments on the board. She leaves behind a husband and son. And after word got around, many questions started to some out.
Are our babies in Heaven? What happens on "the other side"? Why she couldn't fight harder? If believers could give an answer to whether this mom was in Heaven? Was suicide a sin?
People are seeking.What does this life mean? Why are we here? Where do we go after we die? People are seeking answers. And some people are giving answers, but are they right? Who is right? Some answers lead the wrong direction.
Maybe we aren't supposed to have all the answers.
The one and only answer we need is God/Jesus Christ.
To have the faith that He will overcome anything and everything that is put before us. He is seeking a relationship with you.
I blog about having faith here. Another great book to read other than the Bible, is One Heartbeat Away. Which you can get free on this website, scroll down to the bottom to find the book. Another great resource is GospelWay.com
I didn't go to Theology school and don't claim to have all the answers, and I do seek some answers as well, but I do so in the Bible. And as our babies have a purpose for their short lives, so we have a purpose for ours.
This would be a good time to go to the SONGS link on right column. And let God lead you as your listen.
I leave you with some scripture...
Job 1
God given strength in the depths of depression:
Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalms 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. [Not only for our children but also ourselves]
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort
those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we
ourselves are comforted by God.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
James 5:10,11 - When we are suffering, we need to remember the example of men of God who suffered: Jesus, Paul, especially Job.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
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