Hilton Head

The night of Monday, June 18 Kirk started to talk about going somewhere, just him and me. The next day we did some brainstorming on where and decided Hilton Head. Just far enough, but not spending too much money. We did Priceline and we're out the door Wednesday (20th- original c-section date), after packing ourselves and the kids for staying with grandparents.

I was a little torn on going Monday night, trying to convince myself I deserved to go. We could spend the money on things at home that I really wanted done (painting- a project that I was ready to do before finding out about Kendall's anencephaly, but ended up not caring about it afterward). I wasn't sure if going and coming back would all be good for the time being or a "waste" when we returned. I'm happy we went, but still struggle with what is "deserved", almost like our consolation prize for losing a child... nothing can fill that. But as I got the chance to read two very good books on the trip, I would discover that the good memories of the trip would be positive things to think about in the future.

We'll be taking a family trip later in the year to include the kids, when it's not so hot.

So, as I have said before, I'm not a big reader. I figured out why... I started reading Heaven in for Real on the trip down and finished it 10 mins after we arrived in the hotel room, barely putting it down. I discovered a few things. I like reading about people's real lives. And I want to know the story beginning to end without having to put it down. So knowing this second fact, I realized that it's not that I don't have time to read at home, it's that I don't have time to read a whole book in one sitting. The second book I read was Choosing to See. Next on my list will be I Will Carry You.

These both were books friends had given me within days of finding out we'd lose Kendall. I wasn't ready to read anyone's else struggles while still going through our own. I almost thought I'd never have time to read them, but very glad I did. I might have to send the kids off for a day to read the third book. I'm at a place where I can finally step back and see the joy within the struggles; see God working through them.

Kirk and I got a chance to talk a little more about our feelings while driving to play putt putt at Adventure Cove, one of two places we played putt putt, which meant we played four rounds, 18 holes each. Yes, he beat me every time, but only by 3-5 strokes. But back to our feelings on Kendall. They weren't feelings of sadness. I do miss Kendall and love remembering her, but it's a deeper sense of love and life now. And now I seem to ask myself what I'll do with this new me? I have a sense to help others, but how and when? I am a stay at home mom to little kids still, and that comes first (so I say now, just hope God agrees). I will toy with the idea of putting all this in a book form, but it will take some time. And there's being a Steven Minister at church, maybe in due time. We'll see how things play out.

I didn't have my computer on the beach, so I took Kirk's journal and started writing, so not to forget anything. And I wrote...

"As I people watch, I see a 10-12ish year old boy that seems to have autism, being guided around by a parent. I hear his name is Joe. Watching Joe, I could go up and give him a HUGE hug! Knowing his life is an everyday challenge to him and his parents. But they willingly love and probably give up so much for him. And it makes me smile and tear up to know that is like God's love for us. It might not run through their minds that they have a choice to care for their son, but they do. And everyday they wake up and make the right choice. The choice to keep on loving and caring for him, no matter where it takes them."

I also told Kirk on that car ride that I haven't cried or gotten too emotional over losing Kendall  (probably b/c I know I can't bring her back), but I cry over the deepness of love that we now have experienced because of everything we have been through. Our love for Kendall and others love for us. And though it's not fair that people have to go through something to this degree to feel this way, it's worth it.

I wouldn't say that Kirk or I would wish this on anyone or to say we'd want to go through this again, but we are at a better place in our lives. A better understanding. And now not only do we have Kendall in our hearts, but she is and will be a huge part of our lives. So when I'm caught up in the hub-bub of life with what seems to be "mom of two", there is always going to be another. I'm a mom of three wonderful children and proud of it!

Never in my mind have I thought of having more than three kids, but God has now opened that door. What I'm about to type is a mere recording, so people might believe me in the future... I have told Kirk and a few friends... before having any kids, in a quiet time, I felt that I heard God pretty plainly say that we would have twins. Kristen went by, no. Drew, no. Kendall, no. I thought we were in the clear and I must have heard wrong because we'd be done after three. Maybe he meant twins in another way?? Now I have a silent laugh and shake my head that God is teasing me, for that chance might come. Twins, I was okay for Kristen, a little less with Drew, but still accepting. And with Kendall I was checking for her not to be a twin! But now I'd be thrilled! (Kirk, a little scared) Through it all, I love seeing God work in ways we can't even imagine!

Sitting on the beach I overheard two girl friends, probably newly engaged or married (both had rings), one saying to the other, "I don't even want a child." I know it's not meant for everyone, but oh the joys she could be missing!

What I learned from the two books:
1)  I'm happy I feel like I have been real with God. Don't need any "churchy, holy-sounding prayer to be heard in Heaven". Tell God what you think (even the bad), because he already knows it anyway.
2) Telling a child about a lost one can be hard, but the Chapman's put it as "going on a really long road trip. It's going to be a long time before we see her again, but we will see her again!" I've regained the hope that I thought I had lost in my prayers.
3) It's ok if you if you don't know what to say, "there are no words" is just fine with a hug.
4) God healed Kendall in a way I might not have picked to heal her (as I wanted her here, although I know that Heaven is a better alternative), but He is also healing us, in a way that will make us new for Him.

^{1Thess 4:13-18
13} Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Kendall's up there somewhere! XOXO

More pictures

Can't figure out how to rotate on the blog...

Happy Father's Day!

Kirk got his Father's Day gift yesterday with Kendall still physically with us. He only asked for chocolate moon pies, which we gave him on stage at her funeral. He's a wonderful father and husband and I couldn't have made it through this journey without him! Pastor Bob even mentioned Kirk (us and Kendall) as an example today in service, that made both of us smile and tear up. I love you Kirk!

We're all doing well. I'm kind of scared on how well I'm doing... scared that something is going to sneak up on me and I won't expect the emotions. The funeral went off smoothly... considering I've been planning it for quite some time, I probably cried less than most people there b/c I knew what was going to happen. I did practice a bit for my letter... or I might not have gotten through it.

Kirk and I both had a headache Saturday afternoon... we think it might have been a release of pressure of the unknown and now we don't have that anymore. We do have a couple more things to do- finalize marker, send out announcements, put together keepsakes, thank you cards.

But there is a crazy peace. Home is a little strange, basically back to before I was pregnant to begin with, like I skipped a few months and gained a few pounds... but there's a bigger love, more understanding, changed lives that fill the house instead focusing on the missing crib, car seat, tiny diapers, bottles, etc. And I say baby THINGS are missing, not Kendall, b/c she will always be with us. I feel her every time I think of her. Like I have fallen in love with Kristen and Drew, I have fallen in love with Kendall too.

Kristen talks about Kendall pretty often. She made angels in VBS, that she said were Kendall. She has another friend who has lost conjoined twin brothers, that she spoken to in church today. She loved showing her friends around at the visitation on Friday night. We look at pictures, as I go through them and decided which ones I want to print, and Drew remembers a little... looking at pictures of the cemetery taken before Kendall was born, he said "balloon", knowing that is where we were to release the balloons. They are looking forward to going back to Kendall's resting place with more balloons, pictures and flowers.

"We love you Daddy! XOXO" -Kristen, Drew and Kendall (Moon Pies to come every year!)

Funeral Service

Today was something I have been preparing for for a while, so all in all it was a good day of celebration. There were a few moments where I had to stop and pause, breathe, before tearing up, but I held it together... a lot more than other people, but that's okay. Here was the service:

 Slideshow 

 

 Introduction 

 I Will Carry You- Selah 

 Scripture and Prayer
Jeremiah 1:5- "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."
2 Cor. 1:6- In our time of waiting you have comforted us and taken on our suffering with us.
How He Loves- David Crowder Band
Speakers/Parents letter

"God is our Comforter" by Angela Thomas
Beautiful Things- Gungor
Message
God Of This City- Chris Tomlin

My letter to Kendall:
Kendall, My Letter to you:
   (Started a week before you are born) You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14). It’s hard to come up with the right words on what to say and how much we love you. Like all of our children, we’ve loved you before you were made. We’ve planned for you and long for you in our lives. Now we’re at a point where all we can count on is prayer. I’ve almost hit my body’s distance in how far I can carry you. We’re within 1 week and your fluid growing. And not being able to plan for a date, which keeps changing, is driving me nuts. Finally, we set a final date next week, June 6th, if we can still get to that day.
   I go between thinking the worst and then reminding myself to think of the best. Still praying for that all healing miracle. But most of all, I want to be able to hold you in my arms. I cry out to God to give us the time we need to hold you before you’re gone. For you to be able to meet your sister and brother, the rest of the family and hopefully some close friends. I feel like you’re a fighter. You’ve made it this far already. Keep kicking butt.
   (The day before, June 5) Tomorrow is the day and I won’t have the time to write anymore before you’re here. Many people are praying for you and us. You’ve already changed so many lives, especially mine and your father’s. We’re nervous, but anxious at the same time.  We have tried to be prepared as much as possible. Preparing our minds and hearts for joy and sadness at the same time. We won’t be packing the car with a car seat and we haven’t made a crib, but I’d be so happy to have to send people home to put those things together for you while we’re in the hospital.
   (June 8) Your birthday was beautiful and that’s because you were the star of the day. I loved looking into your blue eyes, loving on you and holding you. We all did. I’ll let your daddy tell you his side, but I’ll tell you your sister’s and brother’s side… Kristen loved holding and kissing your sweet cheeks, while Drew loved to point and say “baby”.  Kristen and Drew left for the day, but she asked to come back and see you one more time. She held you some more, and right before leaving Drew hugged you while you were laying in your basket the hospital gave us.
   You may not be here anymore, but your love still is. Like God’s love for us…1 Corinthians 13:13, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” You have shown us how to love even more. To share that love with others, and encouraged others to share their love. And through that, we have made it thus far, and will keep spreading God’s love in your honor by helping others. 
   I’ve always had K nicknames in my head for all of you. Kristen is now my “Big K”, as she is oldest and tall. Drew (or Kyle) is “Circle K”, as he loves anything round, balls or balloons. And you’re my “Special K”. We love you sweet girl.



Kirk's Letter:
Dear Kendall,
    Four months ago we found out about your condition.  Before we found out, we prayed for your health.  After we found out, we prayed for your healing.  Mommy carried you for 37 weeks and we heard your heart beating and felt you kick.  You were alive!  Now you are alive in our hearts!  I was able to hold you while you were alive here on earth and you were loved so much.
    You were born with big feet and hands like your sister.  You looked so much like her and I will never forget Kristen holding you and telling you how beautiful you were.  Drew kept pointing at you and saying “baby”.  He had a tennis ball and wanted to share it with you.  When I look at Kristen now, I see you.  I think about reading to you, throwing balls with you and making you laugh and smile.
    It was not supposed to be like this.  You should be home and at night I should be checking on you when I go to bed like I have Kristen and Drew since they have been home.  I know you are in a better place but it is hard not having you here, taking care of you and watching you grow up.
Proverbs 3:5
    “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”
I do not understand this but I know I love you and have to trust the Lord that his plan is best.  You have many people that love you and you will always be in my heart.  Say hello to my grandparents for me and give them a hug.
I LOVE YOU!
-Daddy

***Wish we could have spoken to everyone there before going to the cemetery. Loved the turn out, love and support! Thank you everyone!!! If you were there, but we didn't get to see you, please let us know!***



At the cemetery we had a short prayer time and all wrote a note to Kendall on balloons, to send up to her before leaving.

(Beautiful weather, requested by Kendall) I'm in love, all over again. With a beautiful girl waiting for me in Heaven, who has a HUGE part of my heart. Like your Daddy wrote, save us a place up there! XOXO

Pictures

Poem I Found

Forever in our Hearts

A million times we needed you, A million times we cried, If love alone would have saved you, You would of never died. In life we loved you dearly, In death we love you still, In our hearts you hold a place, No one can ever fill. A light from our household is gone, A voice from our love is stilled, A place in our vacant home, Which never can be filled.

Some may think you are forgotten, Though on earth you are no more, But in our memory you are with us, As you always were before. It broke our hearts to lose you, But you did not go alone, A part of us went with you, The day God called you home. Your precious memories are for keepsakes, with which we never part, God has you safely in his keeping, But we have you forever in our hearts

 

 

Update (June 25): We've known that we had a four word phrase that we could put Kendall's marker for a while (more words, more money). And I told Kirk a while ago, not thinking anything about this poem I posted on the 14th. I posted this, and still today when finalizing her marker, did not realize that we chose the phrase "Forever in our hearts". Then just now looking back on this poem and my eyes pop wide open! I posted this poem b/c I liked it then... but I like it 100 times more today!

 On top of this, we discovered at the cemetery today that the two people buried straight ahead from Kendall had also both passed away on June 6! 

Kendall, Fred and Cynthia all in a row from Kirk to Drew

Picture Hodge-podge

Post Birthday Emotions

This sucks. I haven't known what to type since Kendall's birthday on my emotions. It's been up and down. (I got that much typed before crying) I know it's just going to take time, but maybe if I force myself to type it out it will help me more. Up until Wednesday, time couldn't have gone slow enough, and now I want it to go faster.

Kendall's birthday was wonderful and sad at the same time, but I enjoyed every moment of that day, b/c she was still physically with us. That day then went by so fast, then the next one came. The hospital room became my comfortable place. I enjoyed friends coming to see us and talking with us. The nurses knew everything and were all very nice. I could probably return to that room again and again and feel like it was our room.

Coming home was hard.  Leaving the only place that I got to hold my sweet baby. I was fine in the car up until we saw our house. Kristen was born at our old house, but Drew here. There were not balloons on mailbox, and no baby to take pictures of coming into their house for the first time. And I broke down for a while in the car before getting out, while Kirk held me. Then some more once we got all of our stuff inside.

Sometimes I feel there isn't much to be positive about anymore. I lost that hope of having her healed for this life. And since her birth, it's been hard to pray. For so long it was praying that she would be healed or that we'd have the time we needed (which I do feel like we did, and I guess I can be thankful for that).It was lunch time when we got home, so Kirk got us some food. We sat down to pray and didn't have any words hardly. Force out a prayer. Then today, right before sitting down to write this, I put Kristen down for a nap. I prayed for her before leaving. It wasn't the same anymore.

I don't want to put words into anyone's mouth, but thank you to the ones who have told us "congratulations". Telling strangers before that I was having a baby was hard. They'd say "congrats", but not know our situation and I'd feel like rolling my eyes b/c they didn't know and I wouldn't smile back. Today the garbage people messed up our billing, and called us to say not to worry about the extra fee they sent over the weekend. I didn't know they sent it in the mail b/c of being at the hospital, so I told her we had a baby and we'd look for the letter. She said "congrats", and even though I didn't know her, I actually felt thankful that she said that.

Like I said before, it's harder to type now that I don't feel like there is anything to be hopeful about anymore. Time (and God) is the only thing that can help us move on. But what if I don't want to move on? I know I won't forget that one day in history, but scared that I will. I almost feel like the pain and crying connect me to Kendall still and if I get "passed" it that maybe I'm moving on from her.

I guess this is when a good book would come in handy. Don't worry about suggesting one. I have a few, just need time to read them. Everyone says I'm a good writer, but I find that funny b/c I don't like to read. I've never felt like I had the time.

So, I guess this answers everyone's famous question of, "how are you doing?" My answers been, "fine, we're doing good." In those moments, we're not thinking much deep emotions, and we are "fine". The sadness doesn't consume us every moment. But this gives anyone reading this an inside of how it certain moments can be.

Update: Once Kirk read this, he gave me a worried look on his face... These aren't feelings that consume my thoughts. I don't feel like I'm depressed. Just every-now-and-then thoughts all written down in one place. Don't want to worry anyone.

Second Update: After releasing all that, we've had a few "good" days in a row. 

Obituary

Obituary for Kendall Cribb

Kendall Mackenzie Cribb, infant daughter of Kirk and Stephanie Cribb passed away, Wednesday, June 6, 2012.

Survivors include her sister, Kristen Cribb; brother, Drew Cribb; grandparents, Don and Ann Cribb, Mark and Rebecca Warner; great grandmother, Rachel Pollard; aunts and uncles, Ric and Ashlee Cribb, Danielle Warner and cousins, Laura Cribb and Matthew Cribb.

Funeral services will be held Saturday, June 16, 2012 at 10:00 a.m. at First Baptist Church of Cumming with Dr. Robert Jolly officiating. Private family interment will follow at Sawnee View Memorial Gardens. The family will receive friends on Friday the 15th from 6 to 9 p.m.

Ingram Funeral Home & Crematory, Cumming, Georgia is in charge of arrangements.

In lieu of flowers, you may donate to NILMDTS

Helping The Grayson Project

I told everyone about the Walker family and how their baby pictures went viral on the internet after a Facebook "mix-up". Through their experiences they have started an organization to help other families affected by anencephaly. That is now "The Grayson Project".

Some of their followers were asking what they will be doing for us, as one of their "first families". And before coming to the hospital, I had already asked Heather what I can do to start helping them get off the ground.

Waking up the final morning of us at the hospital, my mind was racing with ideas to help them start a website, and all the information that could be gathered in one place. General info on anencephaly, how to encourage others that choose to carry to term even with doctors that aren't being helpful, how friends and family could support these families like we feel we have had (Angel Showers, what the family could use, etc), how to tell children whether a sibling or a family friends' child that knows about the pregnant mom, share links of people who want to donate hats (etc), share about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, getting mom's as prepared as they need, and having a "daddy" page...

Heather's vision is to send a care package to these families and to build a playground in honor of her son and other babies. This site could also be a place in lieu of flowers, people can donate in honor of their babies.

So I got excited at 6am, and couldn't go back to sleep! (Now waiting on Heather to get back to me on what she thinks of all this, even though I'm already talking about it here.) 

If anyone would like to donate to them in honor of Kendall, instead of food for us, they could. One sweet lady in Texas asked what she could do since she couldn't make us a meal. They do not have a specific webpage link to donate to, but more info is on their blog and FB page:

http://oursweetboygraysonjames.blogspot.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Benefit-for-Grayson-James-Walker/247676448648145

The Grayson Project, P.O. Box 1384, Millington, TN 38083

Pay by PayPal please send your payment to graysonjameswalker@yahoo.com

Kendall's Wonderful Birthday

We got out of bed yesterday at 6am to take showers and get out the door by 7am and be at the hospital by 7:30am. That night's sleep was better for Kirk than it was for me, as I woke up every 2 hours, but went back to sleep. Anxious, having to use the bathroom and just uncomfortable with all my fluid.

When getting to the hospital, we were greeted with a large support group praying for us. I told them I felt like a celebrity. It was nice to see everyone and we still were smiling at this point. The lady at the check in desk asked if I knew the crew, and I was happy to tell her that they were all here for our family. I got to stop and talk to everyone for a minute before I was taken back to a room. This room is where we still are. It's a fairly new hospital still and we're in a huge L&D room. 2 couches, rocking chair, jetted tub for birthing moms.... and lots of room for family! They prepped me here, went to the OR, and brought me back to this same room, where our family had the huge room next to us, while being shuffled back and forth for a while.Only one other person on this hall. Other moms go upstairs.

Got my IV, but the epidural wasn't till 9am. Family was building up around 8:30, and once everyone was here Pastor Bob said a prayer for us all. Had to shoe everyone out for the epidural, and let the awful shaking begin. Right before taking us to the OR, Pastor Bob came back one more time to pray with just Kirk and me. The nurses were trying to take a good BP, but had trouble while I shook. The only peaceful moment of non shaking was while Bob was praying, so calm. Emotions didn't hit till they started the epidural. Up until then, we were all chatting it up and starting the party. The epidural just hit me back into reality.

"Ready" to be wheeled down the hall. This is where we just had to give it all to God, like we already had been doing this whole time. Not knowing what was to come in the next few minutes... The surgery went well, but seemed a little longer than Drew's. Kendall was born at 9:57am, 3 lbs 10oz, 16.5" long. Kendall took a few slow breaths but had a slow heart rate, and was quiet. Kirk held her her entire wonderful life, till I was able. Not surprised by how beautiful she is. She has little hair, blue eyes, big hands and feet. We think she would have been Kristen's mini-me.

Everyone wants to know about the fluid. I'm not sure how much was actually in there, but they collected it by the bucket full. And it was a HUGE release of pressure and a wonderful feeling to get rid of. Knowing that Kendall couldn't hold on too long after she was born, gave me more of a peace about which day we chose. She might not have made it much more within me. And we're happy she was born alive.


While Kirk held sweet Kendall, he held her close to me, so I could kiss her as much as possible. I finally got to hold her when they were done sewing me up and I could sit up, right before being wheeled out. 15-20 minutes had passed by this time. And finally being able to hold her, I cried for a little bit till I was back in my room. That moment was quick, but powerful. The kids were coming in next with a few family members. As everyone came in by groups, eventually everyone was in the room again. Those comfortable with Kendall go to hold her and have their moments.


During our first family time, everyone (except me on my liquid diet, till today) had a piece of birthday cake and we sang Happy Birthday to Kendall with the kids. 


I was worried a little bit on how Kristen was going to react. Her first glimpse was just being curious, while we took some family pictures. But once she was able to hold her, and she wanted to, it was a beautiful moment and all my fears on that went away. She loved holding her sister. She kissed her on her own and spoke about how tiny she looked. How she looked like a doll, and she said how beautiful Kendall was. Throughout the rest of the day while coming and going to lunch and home, she would want to hold her while she Kristen was here, as much as possible. She even asked to come back, when we thought she wouldn't be able to, just to hold Kendall. 


Drew is only 21 months now, but his journey was just as sweet. He would look at Kendall, point and say baby. Each time the kids left and Kristen would kiss Kendall goodbye, he acted like he wanted to as well. But when we leaned him over, he didn't follow through, which was fine. The last time they came back, Kendall was in a cute basket that the hospital gave us. And as everyone left he seemed like he wanted to give Kendall one more chance for a hug. And he did. Drew hugged Kendall's basket while she was laying in it. I was so excited to see that moment for him. 

The hospital has been wonderful. And the nurses took their time while capturing her hand and foot prints in the afternoon. And a big thank you to Robyn, working with NILMDTS, for taking our pictures!


The family was gone for dinner, and only Kirk came back. We had a few close friends visit afterwards till almost 10pm, which was when we decided for the funeral home to come pick Kendall up. Kirk sat in bed with me, as we had our final moments with her. We both kissed her one more time before she left. We had 12 calm hours to spend with her and share her with everyone, even though she was already in Heaven.


We slept decently, but when I woke up this morning, I wished to see a baby in the room. I think all moms complain/grumble a little when they don't sleep the first few nights while having to feed a baby every 2-3 hours and nurses coming in and out. I think my body remembered, and I was a little awake every 2 hours anyway, but not grumbling. I'm doing pretty good emotionally. The last 15+ weeks gave me a lot of time to start grieving. Please keep Kirk in your prayers as it is different for him. And maybe he'll post soon.

A friend last night had mentioned how wonderful it was to see all the FB posts, all the love, and how quickly they came rolling in... just as a nurse (not mine) poked her head in and said there was a man from our church looking for us. I didn't really know him, but recognized the name. I let him in, and he told us how he was just at church and the Wednesday night group that was there all prayed for us. He didn't stay long, and I looked up at my friend and said, "just like that?" We smiled. It's nice to have been able to share our journey so far. Not to educate anyone on anything, but to show God's love, our love for Kendall, and have the support we needed to continue our long ride. Thank you everyone.


Today is a new day, a new us, and a new journey. Not sure what to expect again. We have one friend coming this morning, and  probably family coming back this late this afternoon. We're up to have visitors, friends. Please give us a call and we'll let you know which room. 


Funeral arrangements will be made once we're out of the hospital. But they said the date we have is free on the calendar now. We hope to have a visitation, most likely closed casket, on Friday night, June 15th and our church memorial service the following morning, June 16th.

Happy Birthday Kendall! We love you!

Less than 2 days

As much as it seemed painful to move our date again to something earlier than the 15th, all is in God's time. There is someone on a anencephaly board that went to 38 weeks, but still ended in a still birth. So I feel good about Wednesday. Probably my last post before baby pictures!

I've been writing specifically to Kendall, but felt like I needed one last update here. We're almost there and have many mixed emotions. Excited to meet her and hold her, yet prepared for the sadness. But thinking about that this morning reminded me that today is Monday. It was an option to have her this morning. And all that is to come in 2 days could have been now. So the next two days are joyful. And our doc. is wonderful, doing the c-section on her day off before going on vacation. Almost like an "extra" two days to spend with Kendall. The kids left again this morning for a playdate and once they left, I got to sit down and say good morning to Kendall. That's when it hit me, "she's still here :)".

*Note: Some friends will be praying in the hospital lobby on Wednesday, starting at 7:30am. If that is too early, but you would like to join, please feel free to get there when you can. C-section starts at 9:30am, and Kendall will probably be born right before 10am. Thank you everyone!